Late Audhd diagnosis and big feelings!

Yes. I forgave myself for being a person who I previously perceived as ‘rubbish at life’. I recognised the fact that I was actually trying really REALLY hard to cope with life - I was always trying my best and so often feeling like such a failure. I’m much more forgiving of myself now - and I wish I could go back in time and give younger me a hug, and tell myself that ‘you’re ok, you’re enough, you’re not useless or lazy, be kinder to yourself’. 

I think that allowing yourself to feel the sadness is very important, letting yourself feel that but not overly dwelling on it or ruminating on it. It’s there - and that’s ok, it’s normal. And I agree that we really can - over time - train our minds to be more positive and to focus on what is good more than focusing on the negatives as much. The past is often a mixed bag of emotions for autistic people (in fact for all people most likely!) and we can look at that with fresh eyes after a diagnosis - and understand it better hopefully. But it’s important to recognise also that the past is gone - and to let it go. We don’t have to be defined by our past. What matters is now - and what we choose to do now, and building on that as we go forward. Guilt about the past has only one good purpose - which is to act as a motivation for us to be good people  from now on. I love that Toni Morrison line “you did then what you knew how to do, and when you knew better - you did better”. 

I think I’m the reverse - I have an autism diagnosis and never considered ADHD - but then my eldest (who is autistic) got an adhd diagnosis last year and now I’m beginning to think I might have ADHd too. But to be honest I’m too exhausted to start the process of another assessment! 

After I got my diagnosis of autism (which I did expect to get affirmed as both my children are autistic so I had long realised this about myself) it took a while to process it - even though I already knew I was autistic. It was strange, it felt strange. I think the best thing is to accept that it’s quite a gradual process to come to terms with a diagnosis like that - even months or years later it can still provoke mixed emotions and memories, and change how you see things, and how you see yourself. I think the best way is to ‘go with the flow of it’ - or as they say in Buddhism: ‘go as a river’. Give it time. Don’t grasp at any meaning or conclusions about it - just let whatever thoughts or emotions arise and be aware of them, and be curious about them, but don’t feel you have to be defined by them, or come to any fixed point of understanding regarding them. In general I think a diagnosis is affirming and feels mostly positive. That’s how I found it anyway - I wish I’d had it earlier - but better late than never! 
Oh - and yes - as you say - ‘self acceptance’ - that’s the beautiful thing we need to aim for! And I think a diagnosis can be super helpful for that :) 

Thank you for clarifying (I like when things are clarified!). I'm trying to work on focusing on positives in therapy, because I tend to focus a lot on the negatives too (how I see myself, how others see me, social expectations I struggle with etc.) 

Confused and emotional are so relatable to me. I’ve had a diagnosis of ADHD and ASD for a couple of months now. Queue lots of isolating, but also validation and relief as you mentioned, i’ve had lots of things ‘click into place’ looking back that make much more sense now, but the self acceptance is slow to come (especially around the thought of communicating my diagnosis to others).

I’ve also realised that these diagnosis are much bigger than just words on paper as silly as that sounds. The effect that both have on the way i, or anyone, experiences life is so vast…

Logic and emotion don’t work together for me… i can’t offer any wise words around coping, as i’m in very much a similar position, but i am glad that you posted this as it led me to create an account on here and hopefully get some help too.

Be kind to yourself.

I probably didn’t word that right, I meant to say don’t be surprised if you experience other less comfortable emotions and thoughts. I think that wide range is a common experience and remember to take not if the positive times.so I hope you don’t feel disheartened if yuu do experience those.

I tend to see the negative and if not all positive I forget the positive happened at all. Very black and white thinking, I think that’s common in ASD. 

Thank you. I don't like knowing people are struggling, but it's comforting to know my experience (and a wide range of emotions) is more common than I expected. 

I'm not very good at being kind to myself, but I'm trying... and I hope you try to be kind to yourself too! :)

In exactly the same boat. I’m still very uncertain what this means first me and what to do about it. What do I change? My career and life in general has already been damaged due to my behaviour challenges and difficulties. It’s still difficult to see this as positive. I didn’t expect to be thinking about it this way if I’m honest. I thought it would give relearn and explanation. I would and still do chastise myself for laziness and being an awkward, bordering on nasty, person.

hope fully things will change and I hope you do see your diagnosis as positive but I mention how I feel to say there can be a wide range of emotions following diagnosis from my reading and my own experience.

be kind to yourself

This sounds like great advice. I'm definitely going to try and remember this. Thank you :)

I think for many grieving is part of the process of acceptance, grieving for oneself is really important as that grief will keep you stuck in the past and not focussing on the future.

For myself diagnosis came with a huge sense of relief, I remember telling an ex about it and telling that I really couldn't help being "weird", it wasn't a choice, it's how I am and will always be.

Thank you! It's making me me feel so much happier knowing there's a kind, helpful community here. I don't have anyone else around me who's autistic or adhd so everything feels a bit new and scary... but also hopeful. :) 

Aww, thank you so much for this. I really love the idea of finding the beauty in all the positives it allows me to experience.

I think it's just the difficulty of preparing for one outcome, only to receive the opposite. I struggle with I also feel a bit like I'm grieving all the years I could have had help, and a better sense of how and why I was struggling. But I'm glad I have the opportunity to start to understand myself more now.... and it's so nice to know there's nice people on here.  :) 

Hi Veb and welcome 

I understand where you are coming from. I seemed to accept the ADHD diagnosis much easier than the Autism one.

For me it’s the sadness from my childhood experiences that are related to my autism that I’m finding hard to process. I feel like I’m much more aware of how my autism affects my life and that has helped me but it has also brought about lots of changes that I’ve had to deal with.

Therapy has been a life saver for me it’s the only place where I can process this stuff.

I would say it’s part of the process to feel emotional and confused but the most important thing now is to look after your needs moving forward, having a safe person to talk to will help you get through and also being kind and gentle with yourself. 

It’s easy to name all the negatives about being autistic but the real work is finding the positives and that’s where the beauty lies.

It will take time and much learning and it may be sad at times but it will also be worth the effort to finally meet the real you.