17 year old son isolating, refusing help, and self-harming

Thank you for your response.  He is very difficult to talk to, and is quite aggressive towards me and blames me rather than facing the real issue.  I know it’s mainly due to all the frustration building up and it is not easy for him to be completely alone in school either and other kids laughing at him.  I think the self harm is more of a cry for help rather than him trying to put his life in danger but having said that I still want to deal with this rather than him attempting this again. 

My son is also very isolated and has been for a long time. I want to express solidarity with you as I relate to how difficult it is to see a loved one suffer and not know how to help them. My son hasn’t self harmed but he has experienced suicidal thoughts. 
Let him know that you are 100% there for him no matter what and that he is not alone, that you are with him and there for him day or night. How is his relationship with his dad and his siblings? Can he talk to them? 
It might be that he needs more time to get used to the idea of seeking help. If he is self harming however I’m surprised that services are not being more proactive in trying to help him. Is he a danger to himself? 
I’m so sorry - this must be absolutely heartbreaking for you both. Do you have any success in talking to him about his feelings at all? What does he say, how does he view his own situation? 

Forgot to say their website is good

I haven’t experienced this personally but an acquaintance was on the board of a charity who support people who sh and their families. They are run by sh survivors so fully appreciate the issues. They are called Battle Scars and are based in Leeds. 

• Thank you Ann, that’s very helpful.  Unfortunately my son is still struggling to accept his autism so him speaking to like minded people is out the question as well as any external help. He has no friends and keeps pushing his family away too.  I agree with yourself that it will do him so much good to connect with others but he has no confidence due to his speech, which as described by speech therapist is nothing major and seems more of a mental block rather than his articulation. It’s all in his head. 

Unfortunately in my experience, you can’t make someone accept help when they don’t want to and trying to do so can backfire. It sounds like you are doing all the right things by letting your son know you are there for him. I have seen a lot of counsellors and therapists etc over the years and most of it was either useless or even harmful. I’m not saying that mental health services can’t be helpful but it has to be the right fit and the person themselves also needs to be receptive. I personally find that change for me mostly comes from within but it can help to have some external support. 1-2 years ago I started seeing a therapist who is autistic himself and I find this much more helpful- It just makes everything easier and I don’t have to constantly explain about autism etc- not sure if that is something your son might consider? In general what really helped me pull myself out of dark places was having some sort of goal or something to work towards.

It sounds like the loneliness is making everything harder- I am not sure how this could be achieved but meeting some likeminded people would probably do him a lot of good- whether that is online or in person.

having an outlet also really helps- it used to be exercise for me though sadly due to injuries I can’t right now. Are there any activities your son enjoys or used to enjoy that might help? 

I don’t know if any of this is helpful - it can be really hard - I wish I could tell him that he’s not broken, that it’s ok to be the way he is and that there are like-minded people out there that he can connect to - he just hasn’t found them yet. You also don’t need to speak to enjoy time together with someone else- one of my closest friends and I used to sometimes just be together in silence- we did chat a lot as well at other times but we also spent considerable amounts of time in silence. There are so many different ways to connect and it doesn’t have to be via speech. It’s so important to have hope that things can be better. 

Hi N123,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're son has recently started self-harming.

The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. If you’re finding it hard to cope or have thoughts of harming yourself, please seek help. If you feel you [or anyone else] is at risk of immediate harm, dial 999 or contact one of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help.  

If it’s not an emergency but you’re still struggling, speaking to a health professional can help. If your GP is closed, you can call 111 for NHS support. In England, Wales and Scotland, you can now choose option 2 to speak directly with mental health professionals: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/.  

Other free, confidential support includes: 

• Samaritans – Call 116 123, 24 hours a day 
• SANEline – 0300 304 7000 (4.30-10.30pm daily)  
• Shout – Text 85258, 24 hours a day 
• Mind Infoline – 0300 123 3393 (Mon–Fri, 9am-6pm)  

You may also find our page on self harm useful you can access this here:  Self-harm.

Take care,

Suzanne Mod

Hi N123,

We are sorry to hear that your son has been self harming this must be very distressing for you.  

You may like to read out guide on Self injurious behaviour with advice on what to do.

I hope this information is useful.

Thank you

Hi and welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it must be difficult. I don't have any personal experience I can relate which would help, but there is a section on the main website with advice which may help:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/behaviour