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17 year old son isolating, refusing help, and self-harming

N123

Hi everyone,

I’m new here and feeling quite overwhelmed, so I hope it’s okay to post.

My son is 17 and autistic. Over the past couple of years he has become increasingly isolated, he doesn’t go out, has no friends, and now says he can’t communicate with people because of his speech, so he avoids interaction as much as possible.

Recently he has started self-harming, which has really worried me. I’ve tried to seek professional help, but because he is over 16, services are saying he has to agree to it himself, and at the moment he is refusing any kind of support.

I feel very stuck. I don’t want to push him and risk him withdrawing further, but I’m also really concerned about his safety and how alone he is becoming.

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar with an older autistic teenager:

  • How did you support them when they didn’t want help?
  • Did anything help with communication difficulties at this stage?
  • Were there any services or approaches that worked for your family?

I’m also open to any suggestions on how to cope with this as a parent, as it’s been quite isolating.

Parents

  • Unfortunately in my experience, you can’t make someone accept help when they don’t want to and trying to do so can backfire. It sounds like you are doing all the right things by letting your son know you are there for him. I have seen a lot of counsellors and therapists etc over the years and most of it was either useless or even harmful. I’m not saying that mental health services can’t be helpful but it has to be the right fit and the person themselves also needs to be receptive. I personally find that change for me mostly comes from within but it can help to have some external support. 1-2 years ago I started seeing a therapist who is autistic himself and I find this much more helpful- It just makes everything easier and I don’t have to constantly explain about autism etc- not sure if that is something your son might consider? In general what really helped me pull myself out of dark places was having some sort of goal or something to work towards.

    It sounds like the loneliness is making everything harder- I am not sure how this could be achieved but meeting some likeminded people would probably do him a lot of good- whether that is online or in person.

    having an outlet also really helps- it used to be exercise for me though sadly due to injuries I can’t right now. Are there any activities your son enjoys or used to enjoy that might help? 

    I don’t know if any of this is helpful - it can be really hard - I wish I could tell him that he’s not broken, that it’s ok to be the way he is and that there are like-minded people out there that he can connect to - he just hasn’t found them yet. You also don’t need to speak to enjoy time together with someone else- one of my closest friends and I used to sometimes just be together in silence- we did chat a lot as well at other times but we also spent considerable amounts of time in silence. There are so many different ways to connect and it doesn’t have to be via speech. It’s so important to have hope that things can be better. 

  • in reply to Ann :)
    • Thank you Ann, that’s very helpful.  Unfortunately my son is still struggling to accept his autism so him speaking to like minded people is out the question as well as any external help. He has no friends and keeps pushing his family away too.  I agree with yourself that it will do him so much good to connect with others but he has no confidence due to his speech, which as described by speech therapist is nothing major and seems more of a mental block rather than his articulation. It’s all in his head. 
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  • in reply to Ann :)
    • Thank you Ann, that’s very helpful.  Unfortunately my son is still struggling to accept his autism so him speaking to like minded people is out the question as well as any external help. He has no friends and keeps pushing his family away too.  I agree with yourself that it will do him so much good to connect with others but he has no confidence due to his speech, which as described by speech therapist is nothing major and seems more of a mental block rather than his articulation. It’s all in his head. 
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