Never in the inner circle of friends

I have found it really powerful to own that "I want" to have deep relationships and ASK for them in the past few years. I feel much safer when the friendship is EXPLICIT (with agreements) rather than IMPLICIT (with assumptions). It has been hard for me to accept that alot of people are not capable of doing this. In those cases I can kindly respond and explain that that this isn't what is going to nourish me at this moment in my life - no hard feelings and we become acquaintances. 

I remember at a very lonely point in my life speaking up for myself and saying to a few male acquaintances (people I kinda knew and liked but didn't spend much time with): 

"So I am looking to develop some deeper relationships with men at the moment. I don't really know what that means yet but I imagine it involves meeting up maybe once a week and doing an activity together or talking about things going on in our lives. I would like to avoid drinking alcohol as an activity but we could go for a run, meet for a coffee or something you like. Is that something you are interested in?" 

(make sure you pay attention to their response for a clear yes and check if it looks kind of fake... and don't invest too much to quick. See it as a test and after 2 or 3 "friend dates" you can start to consider them a friend)

It has been very painful for me to accept that I have to invite people to be part of my life and also introduce myself to people. Taking up space and self advocating were not really explained or modelled to me. 

Long story short, I made 2 best friends and found some amazing safe people. 

Do you know what a "best friend" means to you? Have your written down the criteria of a best friend? Have you asked the people around you what they think a best friend is? 

It can be very connecting and exciting to have a mission like that! Lots of people love to give advice and if you can provide them with a genuin issue you have I have found they really like to be helpful. It's a win win. 

I found your post very validating and I am rooting for you in learning about yourself, self advocating and going for the kind of friend ships you want in your life in a respectful way. 

I am 35 and I only learned this stuff around 32 through therapy and non violent communication. 

Hello.

I have looked at the way I communicate and noticed a few things. I don't know if any of this will apply, but it may be something to think about.

1. I am generally polite, sometimes too formal. This can appear a little stiff. Do you speak like the other people. If you never use slang, don't swear and they do, look slightly uncomfortable at common topics, it creates distance.
2. If you always ask about them and offer very little about yourself, maybe because you think they won't want to know or you can't talk about yourself, it means they don't get to know you. This means they feel like friends to you, but not vice versa. It is like with celebs where you feel you know them, but it is one-sided.
3. You may omit emotional words in your communication. I phrase things logically, factually, but not emotionally. A lot of communication is about emotions, how people feel, not so much what they think. The words are there to convey emotions, though phrasing, intonation, word choice and just emotional words. Most people remember how they felt, not what they thought.
4. You may be consciously or unconsciously masking. You can be fine in formal settings where rules and expectations are clear, but informal settings can cause real problems. You will not be 100%, people can sense something I think.
5. If you are slightly on edge and not relaxed, you will be doing something without you knowing, that will be picked up on subconsciously. This tends to narrow thinking, heighten senses, make you sensitive to jokes, teasing or normal interactions. This creates distance.
6. You may take things too literally. The examples given are always obvious, like not understanding jokes or sarcasm. But it can also be quite subtle, like focussing on the meaning of words (look up denotative meaning). This can create small misunderstandings that grow. When mixed with 5 it slowly causes issues you ruminate on.
7. Due to transition issues it can be hard to be spontaneous and/or lead to asking questions rather than just going with the flow. People may perceive this as being a brake.
8. Over investing in people. Oddly wanting people to be nice to you to much pushes them away. Being slightly more up and down, showing some emotions, makes you more authentic and real.
9. People pleasing. It can be hard to handle confrontations, so you can be too nice or accommodate things you should more assertively reject. This is hard to overcome. People push limits and you have to stand up for yourself at some points. Usually on small things so that it doesn't get to the bigger things.
10. Not being vulnerable. If in threat mode this is impossible. However relationships are built on little snippets of vulnerability at the start to test the water, before bigger bits are shared. By not sharing things you have messed up, are scared of, where you looked bad or were embarrassed, they don't share these back. You have a formal connection, you are acquaintances, but not friends. You don't really know each other.

There are probably more, but this is what I can think of off the top of my head. I have had issues with all of these at various times. 6 is a subtle one I only recently realised. 

The challenge is how to be yourself, while not thinking how to be yourself, and not watching yourself and judging, without having a couple of stiff drinks.

Having friends seems to involve doing things, I dont' drink and resent being the "designated driver", I've yet to find a restuarant or take-away I can go to here that dosen't have a menu full of stuff I can't eat or simply don't like. 

The sorts of things I like doing aren't really things that many others want to do, like museums and galleries, I'm not a fan of travelling, nor theatre, especially musical theatre. I get depressed going shopping too as theres so rarely anyting that fits, let alone that I like.

Yes, that really resonates. I think it helps to have people in your life too, so I have a husband, kids, family. 
When you get to the point when you have less need for friends, it's not something I overtly miss.

I know that feeling well, I've sort of got used to it over the years and as a result I don't really have many expectations of others, or if I do, it's to be aware that I could end up being hurt...again. I suppose I've found my place with animals and the natural world, with my garden. Whilst I know I need other people to a certain extent, I sort of don't too and am largely happy in my own space.

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time, I recognise that feeling of never being thought of too, and being a wallpaper friend as I've some to think of it -someone people are fine to have in the background, but aren't anything more to people. I was the same in uni, no matter how hard I tried.

I think sometimes like this, it's the friends who are the ones that aren't your people. You are you, and you can feel more included, you just have to find the right friends. I think knowing you are autistic can help, so you can stop trying to make yourself fit in and worrying what they think, and instead find people who except you as you are. Maybe try some groups connected to hobbies/interests you like, so you can get some independance from these other friends. I'm not saying you have to eject them entirely, but if they are doing seperate things, it would be good for you to do that too.

You do have a place, you just have to find where you are happiest.