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Never in the inner circle of friends

Observerandthinker

I only got diagnosed with autism last year, and have found it so difficult to get to grips with. Something I very much struggle with is the fact that I have never been someone’s best friend. I am never in the inner circle of my groups, I feel like I’m on the fringe. Recently, one of my closest friends has started just being microagressive to me and always acts like I do not understand these digs. I had to cut off my group of close friends after sixth form because they didn’t respond to my messages and all visited each other at uni without asking me. I feel like there is something wrong with me, but I am extremely polite and I would even argue generous, with my friends. Eg. The one who has been treating me badly - I just saved an art show he was involved in as I missed a day of uni to pick up his art piece when he had forgotten it. But he’s still treating me poorly. How do you not ruminate on these things? All it does is make me spiral and feel like there’s no place for me in this world.

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  • I have found it really powerful to own that "I want" to have deep relationships and ASK for them in the past few years. I feel much safer when the friendship is EXPLICIT (with agreements) rather than IMPLICIT (with assumptions). It has been hard for me to accept that alot of people are not capable of doing this. In those cases I can kindly respond and explain that that this isn't what is going to nourish me at this moment in my life - no hard feelings and we become acquaintances. 

    I remember at a very lonely point in my life speaking up for myself and saying to a few male acquaintances (people I kinda knew and liked but didn't spend much time with): 

    "So I am looking to develop some deeper relationships with men at the moment. I don't really know what that means yet but I imagine it involves meeting up maybe once a week and doing an activity together or talking about things going on in our lives. I would like to avoid drinking alcohol as an activity but we could go for a run, meet for a coffee or something you like. Is that something you are interested in?" 

    (make sure you pay attention to their response for a clear yes and check if it looks kind of fake... and don't invest too much to quick. See it as a test and after 2 or 3 "friend dates" you can start to consider them a friend)

    It has been very painful for me to accept that I have to invite people to be part of my life and also introduce myself to people. Taking up space and self advocating were not really explained or modelled to me. 

    Long story short, I made 2 best friends and found some amazing safe people. 

    Do you know what a "best friend" means to you? Have your written down the criteria of a best friend? Have you asked the people around you what they think a best friend is? 

    It can be very connecting and exciting to have a mission like that! Lots of people love to give advice and if you can provide them with a genuin issue you have I have found they really like to be helpful. It's a win win. 

    I found your post very validating and I am rooting for you in learning about yourself, self advocating and going for the kind of friend ships you want in your life in a respectful way. 

    I am 35 and I only learned this stuff around 32 through therapy and non violent communication. 


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  • I have found it really powerful to own that "I want" to have deep relationships and ASK for them in the past few years. I feel much safer when the friendship is EXPLICIT (with agreements) rather than IMPLICIT (with assumptions). It has been hard for me to accept that alot of people are not capable of doing this. In those cases I can kindly respond and explain that that this isn't what is going to nourish me at this moment in my life - no hard feelings and we become acquaintances. 

    I remember at a very lonely point in my life speaking up for myself and saying to a few male acquaintances (people I kinda knew and liked but didn't spend much time with): 

    "So I am looking to develop some deeper relationships with men at the moment. I don't really know what that means yet but I imagine it involves meeting up maybe once a week and doing an activity together or talking about things going on in our lives. I would like to avoid drinking alcohol as an activity but we could go for a run, meet for a coffee or something you like. Is that something you are interested in?" 

    (make sure you pay attention to their response for a clear yes and check if it looks kind of fake... and don't invest too much to quick. See it as a test and after 2 or 3 "friend dates" you can start to consider them a friend)

    It has been very painful for me to accept that I have to invite people to be part of my life and also introduce myself to people. Taking up space and self advocating were not really explained or modelled to me. 

    Long story short, I made 2 best friends and found some amazing safe people. 

    Do you know what a "best friend" means to you? Have your written down the criteria of a best friend? Have you asked the people around you what they think a best friend is? 

    It can be very connecting and exciting to have a mission like that! Lots of people love to give advice and if you can provide them with a genuin issue you have I have found they really like to be helpful. It's a win win. 

    I found your post very validating and I am rooting for you in learning about yourself, self advocating and going for the kind of friend ships you want in your life in a respectful way. 

    I am 35 and I only learned this stuff around 32 through therapy and non violent communication. 


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