Never in the inner circle of friends

Hello.

I have looked at the way I communicate and noticed a few things. I don't know if any of this will apply, but it may be something to think about.

1. I am generally polite, sometimes too formal. This can appear a little stiff. Do you speak like the other people. If you never use slang, don't swear and they do, look slightly uncomfortable at common topics, it creates distance.
2. If you always ask about them and offer very little about yourself, maybe because you think they won't want to know or you can't talk about yourself, it means they don't get to know you. This means they feel like friends to you, but not vice versa. It is like with celebs where you feel you know them, but it is one-sided.
3. You may omit emotional words in your communication. I phrase things logically, factually, but not emotionally. A lot of communication is about emotions, how people feel, not so much what they think. The words are there to convey emotions, though phrasing, intonation, word choice and just emotional words. Most people remember how they felt, not what they thought.
4. You may be consciously or unconsciously masking. You can be fine in formal settings where rules and expectations are clear, but informal settings can cause real problems. You will not be 100%, people can sense something I think.
5. If you are slightly on edge and not relaxed, you will be doing something without you knowing, that will be picked up on subconsciously. This tends to narrow thinking, heighten senses, make you sensitive to jokes, teasing or normal interactions. This creates distance.
6. You may take things too literally. The examples given are always obvious, like not understanding jokes or sarcasm. But it can also be quite subtle, like focussing on the meaning of words (look up denotative meaning). This can create small misunderstandings that grow. When mixed with 5 it slowly causes issues you ruminate on.
7. Due to transition issues it can be hard to be spontaneous and/or lead to asking questions rather than just going with the flow. People may perceive this as being a brake.
8. Over investing in people. Oddly wanting people to be nice to you to much pushes them away. Being slightly more up and down, showing some emotions, makes you more authentic and real.
9. People pleasing. It can be hard to handle confrontations, so you can be too nice or accommodate things you should more assertively reject. This is hard to overcome. People push limits and you have to stand up for yourself at some points. Usually on small things so that it doesn't get to the bigger things.
10. Not being vulnerable. If in threat mode this is impossible. However relationships are built on little snippets of vulnerability at the start to test the water, before bigger bits are shared. By not sharing things you have messed up, are scared of, where you looked bad or were embarrassed, they don't share these back. You have a formal connection, you are acquaintances, but not friends. You don't really know each other.

There are probably more, but this is what I can think of off the top of my head. I have had issues with all of these at various times. 6 is a subtle one I only recently realised. 

The challenge is how to be yourself, while not thinking how to be yourself, and not watching yourself and judging, without having a couple of stiff drinks.

Hello.

I have looked at the way I communicate and noticed a few things. I don't know if any of this will apply, but it may be something to think about.

1. I am generally polite, sometimes too formal. This can appear a little stiff. Do you speak like the other people. If you never use slang, don't swear and they do, look slightly uncomfortable at common topics, it creates distance.
2. If you always ask about them and offer very little about yourself, maybe because you think they won't want to know or you can't talk about yourself, it means they don't get to know you. This means they feel like friends to you, but not vice versa. It is like with celebs where you feel you know them, but it is one-sided.
3. You may omit emotional words in your communication. I phrase things logically, factually, but not emotionally. A lot of communication is about emotions, how people feel, not so much what they think. The words are there to convey emotions, though phrasing, intonation, word choice and just emotional words. Most people remember how they felt, not what they thought.
4. You may be consciously or unconsciously masking. You can be fine in formal settings where rules and expectations are clear, but informal settings can cause real problems. You will not be 100%, people can sense something I think.
5. If you are slightly on edge and not relaxed, you will be doing something without you knowing, that will be picked up on subconsciously. This tends to narrow thinking, heighten senses, make you sensitive to jokes, teasing or normal interactions. This creates distance.
6. You may take things too literally. The examples given are always obvious, like not understanding jokes or sarcasm. But it can also be quite subtle, like focussing on the meaning of words (look up denotative meaning). This can create small misunderstandings that grow. When mixed with 5 it slowly causes issues you ruminate on.
7. Due to transition issues it can be hard to be spontaneous and/or lead to asking questions rather than just going with the flow. People may perceive this as being a brake.
8. Over investing in people. Oddly wanting people to be nice to you to much pushes them away. Being slightly more up and down, showing some emotions, makes you more authentic and real.
9. People pleasing. It can be hard to handle confrontations, so you can be too nice or accommodate things you should more assertively reject. This is hard to overcome. People push limits and you have to stand up for yourself at some points. Usually on small things so that it doesn't get to the bigger things.
10. Not being vulnerable. If in threat mode this is impossible. However relationships are built on little snippets of vulnerability at the start to test the water, before bigger bits are shared. By not sharing things you have messed up, are scared of, where you looked bad or were embarrassed, they don't share these back. You have a formal connection, you are acquaintances, but not friends. You don't really know each other.

There are probably more, but this is what I can think of off the top of my head. I have had issues with all of these at various times. 6 is a subtle one I only recently realised. 

The challenge is how to be yourself, while not thinking how to be yourself, and not watching yourself and judging, without having a couple of stiff drinks.