Sense of Identity

I definitely relate to that. I also feel like I expect to much. And I feel like nt seem just not to care enough and they will just never meet our expectations. I also felt like surrounding myself with nd people was the best thing I could do as normally they understand better and care more 

I felt quite similar. It's not that people don't know us. It's almost like they don't care. 

At least I felt like no one really cares. At the end of the day, the pain is inside us and they can't see it. 

I read something very interesting the other day : high functioning autism doesn't mean we feel the symptoms more lightly, it means you see it more lightly.

We mask so much that the outsiders can't see a difference and that we don't bother them so much. 

We carry all this pain and we are the only ones who know 

I get this, when I have told people they almost immediately introduce themselves to me differently, based on how they shouid act in that situation. The ways people are taught to behave with neurodiverse people are so limited, this makes me really uncomfortable because it doesnt feel like genuine engagement. It's just that people don't always know how to be in those situations. It's a bit like when someone you know has experienced a death, the automatic response would to apologise, this is not the only response - its actually much better if people respond in their own way. Some people I told straight away dealt with it really well by being supportive. Probably because I gave them time to think about it.

I’m interested that you have started to unmask. How is that done, because I’m finding it tricky. Masking is such an ingrained habit that it’s like autopilot

Thank you. I’d never thought of it as gaslighting before - but it is!

Thank you. Yes, I’m beginning to realise that my expectations of the neuro typical were too high

Every time I feel awkard, performing a task, everyone's, like, "Just take your time!" That puts me under EVEN MORE pressure.

People just can't read minds, that's it. They don't know how 'helping' is counterproductive.

I think one of the difficulties when people say things like, 'it's the same you, but with a label' is that they're right, but that lable makes a huge difference to how you feel about yourself, how explain yourself to yourself if that makes any sense? No, we're not all on the spectrum, unless the spectrum is so vast as to be meaningless, its like when people ask you to grade your pain on a scale of one to ten, my 10 might be higher than someone elses, its an imperfect measuring stick.

It's odd how people seemingly say almost anything to "make you feel better", when actually you need what you've just said acknowleging and allowed into daylight and not gaslit, which is what so many of these things feel like to me. So what you're high functioning in many areas, but what about the ones where you're not? For me this is one of the hardest things to get across to people, there are things that many find really siple and easy that I totally go to pieces over, like filling in a form, total melt down. Yes' it is odd that I would find writing a 10k word essay on something easier than filing in a form, but I can make my own arguments in an essay in my own voice, how do you do that with a form? 

I did feel a huge sense of relief when I was first diagnosed at 50, finally things started to make sense, I had a diagnosis, I can work with a diagnosis, now 13 years later, I've found little actual help or people who are willing or able to work with me, there are plenty of people who will tell me things and have expectations of how I will react to certain things or not. It's like being back at school where they say they want to foster indvidualism and confidence and the first thing to do to acccomplish this task is make you wear a uniform to look like everyone else, it feel like a load of BS because actually they want me to fit in with their idea of autism.

JMD said:

I am beginning to realise that nobody knows me at all

That's very much how I felt after I realised that I was on the spectrum. I had similar responses at work too. I'm also in my mid sixties, but not formally diagnosed, and I'm thankfully retired now. It was definitely a seismic shift for me when I took the AQ50 and scored 42.

Congratulations on finally getting your diagnosis. I can absolutely relate with this - when I first told my family and partner about getting an asd assessment I was questioned at first and also had the experience of ‘we all feel like that at some points’ or ‘thats not autism’. It was very frustrating to me but I realised that I hadn’t shown them the true extent of how I feel in certain scenarios because of being high masking. 
Over the coming months I started to unmask and this showed the impact rather than me getting frustrated at trying to explain myself and not be validated or understood. 

It’s a long process and I have only just recently been diagnosed myself but this is for me and only me. People can choose to try to understand and educated themselves on what helps you and what doesn’t or just think this is a label but ultimately that isn’t going to change who you are moving forward. 

Looo after yourself

I'm not diagnosed,  but since the realisation and suspicion I started feeling uncomfortable with my own stimming,  although I can't just stop it, it serves me like always, but I think that others stare at me or think something bad about me or that they recognise autism in me. It annoys me. It also happens that someone changes their seat. Earlier I didn't think it could be because of my stimming,  but now in such situations I see it clearer. 

Comments from others often hurt, even uf they don't mean to hurt you, but tge result us probably because they don't understand you.

I myself am not sure, how should I respond to someone else telling me, that they are autistic. I think I would maybe ask them if they would like yo share some of their experience and justlisten if they wanna speak.

I just remember,  I had one colleague at my previous workplace, he himself disclosed to me that he has Asperger Syndrome, my response was: "and I have Tourette Syndrome!" I didn't think how I should react it was automatically- he shared, so I shared too. (At that time I had Tourette diagnosis,  but turned out was wrong). His reaction was with a smile he said, we both with syndromes understand each other better. I myself wondered what kind of Syndrome is that where the person is exceptionally normal. I had so.e thoughts and fantasies about going for coffee with him, but was too shy to ask. Maybe even good, I don't know. I preferred spending breaks with him, than with NTs and their small talk. We had word games and shared about our special intrests. 10 years later I found out I might be on the spectrum just like that guy i liked.

HiJMD 

Congratulations on your diagnosis.

I can relate!!

Maybe your friends think they are helping you with their comments.

It's almost like people around you are having a difficult time accepting you, if only a slightly different version in my case.

At work I am trying to show the real me in small ways and it's already turned into teasing, "scaredy cat".. chicken, them doing a chicken imitation. It's tough but I don't want to keep hiding my true nature because I was putting myself in situations where I felt uncomfortable. 

For me it's easier to put up with the taunts and be true to myself.

It's a slow process for us and for those around us. 

I am still discovering who I really am underneath all of the years of masking. It took a long time to put the wall up, but I've started to take that wall down brick by brick, I hope you can too.

Sending warm wishes your way.

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