The Anxiety & Pressure to move out

I felt so sad reading this - I hope you’re still feeling the benefit of sharing this on here. I just want to say that your parents are extremely fortunate to have you still living with them - and when you eventually do move out I bet they will hugely miss you. I have two adult children - and one still lives with us and I have to admit I’ll be devastated if he moves out - I feel so blessed that he still lives with us. Plus - with all due respect to your parents I doubt (from what they’re saying) that they have any realistic idea of the costs of renting a flat these days - it’s out of reach for loads of people - including many who have jobs. The costs are staggering - my eldest and his girlfriend could never have got a place if it wasn’t for the fact that his girlfriend’s parents lent them some money for the upfront costs (the deposit and first months rent were £2400 - staggering). Do you think it’s possible that your mum doesn’t realise this hurts your feelings so much by saying these things? Maybe she’s just saying it because she feels you actually want your independence and she’s trying to be encouraging? She’d probably be really upset if she knew this was so hurtful to you - it seems from what you write that she clearly loves you very much. Maybe find a time to have a quiet chat with her about how this makes you feel? If you feel able to do it it might help for you to be open with her on this issue - so that she can be more sensitive in future about what she says. Anyway - I just wanted to send you positive vibes and to express the fact that you’re mum is so lucky to have you with her - and that I don’t doubt that she knows that and values you very much.

Thanks, that's what I was after (sorry I was posting too much so got rid of some of them).

Cinnabar_wing said:

You should do a graph on rental prices

From https://www.statista.com/statistics/295967/halifax-average-monthly-costs-of-buying-and-renting-a-property/

Not quite the same format or time frame but they do show the issue you refer to.

It is an area I know a bit about as I have colleagues in the UK who used to have their own rental properties but have all had to sell because the changing rules around private landlords meant that they were losing money in spite of rising rental prices.

What is happening in the rental secctor is that the supply from private landlords is being killed off and this leaves many fewer properties to rent and the companies who have a structure that benefits from the governmet changes (big corps like Barclays) are buying up loads of properties and hiking the rents because of lack of competition.

Hopefully property prices will continue to drop until they start to become affordable again but this will result in a massive amount of negative equity forming for people who bought a property and this is likely to stress the banking system too much, so expect an intervention from the government to stop it falling too fast.

While rentals remain in the hands of big corps then they will charge what they can get away with so it seems property is a risky investment any way you look at it.

I guess if you bought a place for, say £300k and it dropped 10% over a year then that is £30k lost (plus interest payments of about £13k) then it is still cheaper to pay £18,000 rent for a year and share it with other people.

I'm glad I got out of the UK 2 years ago when I saw this looming.

Part of what came as a shock and somewhat a bitter pill for me to take on being diagnosed Autistic was that in order to be so I satisfied criteria that showed I need support.

Across Level 1,2 and 3 increasing support is required.

ASD levels of severity | Autism Speaks

As I have written acknowledging this fact about myself I found and still find very hard - it is made hard because of expectations others have of one and also because the expectations one has of oneself.  

Also because one not unreasonably has dreams and aspirations that in all fairness.  Especially since they are so promoted as being signs of success and happiness in life in neurotypical society.

You have reached out, not unreasonably, to get how you feel of your chest.

Not unreasonably other good people have offered suggestions for things you could do.

From a realistic basis though I think that you may need practical support ideally from someone who will be there along the way until you become more able to achieve what you would love to do and what is expected of you.

Since being autistic is not something that goes away one is by definition going to need support of some sort that varies throughout one's life.

Unless one is fabulously wealthy and or extremely skilled in some way that makes society wants to support you (e.g. often by paying you lots of money or providing servants and accommodation etc. etc._)

As a parent myself I can also suggest from my own experience that there is also perhaps a sense of yours wanting to know that you will be OK as and when they are no longer about to look after and support you.  (Hopefully a long way away but I think you might get what I mean.)

I have been lucky to find a partner who has enabled me to do a lot with my life to enable us both to achieve.  Albeit work related stresses and to some extent all  the other aspects of difficulty being autistic are still deeply troubling for me personally too - you have my empathy and that's probably why I am trying to help you by writing this.

The NAS have an online page of support resources Formal support following an autism diagnosis

the post diagnositic ones include ones that local authorities must legally provide.

I have put some of the resources "into gear" personally now I am admitting to myself a little bit more how disabled I am by the autistic experience in neurotypical society. 

I find it really hurtful that I have to point out to society that I have paid my fair share of taxes and hard graft to, to have to go cap in hand for help with something that I have no choice over and maybe others including yourself might feel the same way..

However neurotypical society has a "if you don't ask you don't get" approach to many people including autists who are "hiding in plain site"

You deserve to have a fair chance at a happy and fulfilling life WitchyPrincess06 

All the best for getting the support you need to do so.

Unknown said:

It seems odd to me; if you move to a rented flat, for many years your savings go to a landlord.

If you have a mortgage then most of your money in the first 10 years or so goes only on interest, so the bank are getting it.

There is no guarantee that the value of the property will go up either and if you don't maintain it then it affects the value too.

Also if you rent, the lump sum you would pay towards the deposit / stamp duty etc can be saved and you can make it work for you in other investments, so you could make more than the rate of growth of property value.

I've noticed that in London the property prices have dropped sharply - about a quarter drop in the last few years. The rest of the country is broadly following suit if at a slower rate. From https://www.plumplot.co.uk/London-house-prices.html

So if you had bought a place in London anytime in the last 20 years then it is going to be worth a lot more than you paid for it.

I'm not having a go, just providing a bit of balance that renting can sometimes be sensible.

Why is there a reason to move out, anyways?

It seems odd to me; if you move to a rented flat, for many years your savings go to a landlord.

Have they considered this may be an outdated habit?

I did move out quite early, but I did it knowing this was pointless, and that my parents wouldn't understand or be willing to do anything other than what is expected. This was quite sad for me. But maybe given you are younger they would understand it better.

Nowadays, given my parents are older, this would be handy for all. It is a strange cycle.

Maybe this belongs to an era when houses would be too small to hold two families of 6-10 members each.

But today? There tends to be older, single parents in a large house.

(Apologies for the narrow point of view of mine here, I'm being quite honest though.)

This sounds tough, do they realise your anxiety is as bad as it is? You might find it helps to communicate this to them on some way so they can hopefully be more supportive -I feel even if they were trying to approach the subject of moving out, there are better ways to do this than how they are doing it currently -like having a proper chat at the table with resources to look at the options -that would be more of a plan starter than a panic attack. 

Having a plan to cope with the anxiety like everyone had said sounds like step 1 anyhow, which would then allow for job, which would be step 2. Then saving for a deposit as these can be eye-watering could be step 3, saving up for furnishings might be step 4(or this night be optional), before step 5 of viewing and securing a place (which if you have anxiety you might need extra support with to deal with it). Your parents jumping to step 6 of moving out date sounds like it's hindering you more and would reset you to step 0. Only look at one step at a time, not all at once, and they need to do this too. Don't compare yourself to how others do it! If your parents aren't helpful, maybe something like contacting CAB would? 

I feel a little false with all this, I went the uni route, so it was more just applying for halls then living with people I met there so I just had a room with them, then moving in with my boyfriend (now husband).  And my littlest sister is 33 and lives at home with my dad (so they keep each other company so they aren't conflicting). 

Most importantly is keep calm and then you might be able to look an front of you. Anxiety tends to have us looking at our feet, so we can't see anyway forward, but I'm sure you'll find a path when you are ready.

I moved into my own flat at 23 I am now 25. It's hard but good in many ways. I just live alone. You do get used to it. 

WitchyPrincess06 said:

What gets to me is that parents just don't seem to understand that despite me explaining this to them everytime they bring it up

How about creating a spreadsheet or document that lists all the cost elements and how much they are - add them up into categories like essential, important and optional just to show that it isn't going to be you living the high life at that price.

This should quickly establish that is is not possible, but if they want to subsidise you then it could be - this will normally make the drop the issue.

What I would recommend you do is use some of your income to pay a form of rent at home. You are after all chosing to remain there, use their facilities and consume their resources so once you have any sort of income (benefits or whatever) then it would be the responsible thing to cover at least part of what you use.

WitchyPrincess06 said:

I'm in my late 20's still living with my parents and struggling to find work due to crippling social anxiety.

Can I ask how you are going about doing something about this? If you are able to find ways to reduce its impact on you and cope better around others then this can open other possibilities for your future.

Taking control of planning ahead can be quite empowering and a big part of this is to identify your weaknesses and work on them. Something like a therapist would be a logical choice here.

lotus has some good advice on how to look at the actual move out part - there is a lot to plan for and many options that can fit your circumstances but I would recommend dealing with the anxiety first and finding how to manage it well. 

I started out in a house share with 2 others as my first place and while it was not perfect, the independence was wonderful.

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling anxious. I'm sure your parents don't mean to make things worse, I think they just want to see you living an independent, happy life - most parents want their offspring to be successful, and getting a place of one's own is part of what is seen as success in society.

I think it might be useful for you to have a chat with them about your future. If I was you, I would make an appointment with your GP first and ask if you can have medication and/or counselling to help you with the anxiety. Then you can start the conversation with your parents by explaining that the first thing you need to do is get the anxiety reduced, which you are actively working on. You could also ask them for advice about getting a job and finding a flat, maybe if you have support from them it might be easier. 

Do you have any friends that you could flat share with? That would reduce your outgoings. It's unlikely you'll get a council flat as it doesn't sound like your household is overcrowded and you are not homeless, but benefits are not always acceptable to private landlords so you need to focus on getting a job first. Have you told the job centre that you are autistic? I think there are some special schemes to help disabled people get into work.

There is advice on getting a job in the advice and guidance section of this website, here's a link:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/employment

I hope this will be of some help and wish you luck