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The Anxiety & Pressure to move out

WitchyPrincess06

I just want to start this off with apologising if this post goes on a bit long, but I just feel I need to get this off my chest...

Last night, my parents had told me how they learned my younger cousin was moving out of her parents place... and that's when they asked the question which they keep asking me from time to time... when am I planning on moving out? Immediately I felt that sense of dread building while I tried to keep my composure as I gave them the same answer that I always give them which is "When I'm able to afford it". After another minute of talking about it, the topic then quickly changed and we carried on doing whatever... but it was too late, my mood was ruined. I tried to carry on like normal keeping up a calm, normal facade as it was nearly bedtime and I didn't want to cause drama but I could feel anxiety levels rising and building up inside me. I eventually ended up having to quietly excused myself from the room where mum and I were watching our tv program to my bedroom and I ended up having a mini panic attack. I eventually managed to compose myself and continue and nobody noticed... but still, I had to put on my Christmas themed sleep music on to help me sleep happily as listening to my Christmas music at this time of year always makes me feel better.

Now I just want to make it clear, I am not against the idea of moving out, I mean, I would love nothing more than to have my own place where I can have 100% of privacy and to be able to do what I like. But as most of you know, to have your own house/flat means you need to pay rent as well as paying for many other things like electric, water and heating. On top of that you need to pay for your own stuff like groceries/food and furniture and cutlery and etc. All of that requires a lot of money even on benefits and in order to have enough money to make all those expenses possible, you need to have a job which I have been trying and struggling to find due to my anxiety (which I'll hopefully be getting help for soon).

What gets to me is that parents just don't seem to understand that despite me explaining this to them everytime they bring it up. They don't that times are tough at the moment, even my friends who have their own places have told me that I'm lucky to still be living with my parents as they've said how tough it is maintaining their places at the moment with them being on benefits during these tough economic times.

Yet, everytime my parents bring it up, it feels like I'm under this enormous amount of pressure, especially when they bring up how the moved out pretty young and now most of my younger cousins and peers now have places of their own. And now, I heard my brother who's just a couple years younger than me is now starting to plan on moving out. I feel like they are secretly making comparisons between me, my brother and my cousins. Like, they're all now successfully working and starting to make their way in the world... Meanwhile I'm in my late 20's still living with my parents and struggling to find work due to crippling social anxiety. Even though they've never said anything and they (mainly my mum) does show me how much they love me, I can't help but feel like they are disappointed in me that I haven't achieved any of that and it feels like I'm the loser in a race between my brother, my cousins and I to see who can achieve financial stability and independence first. It's a horrid feeling.

Has anybody else felt like this? Or gone through the same issues?


Anyways, for anyone who reads this, thanks so much for your patience with me rambling on and on. I'm now moving on from it as I don't want to dwell on it... I just felt I had to get it off my chest and I feel a little bit better for it.

Parents

  • This sounds tough, do they realise your anxiety is as bad as it is? You might find it helps to communicate this to them on some way so they can hopefully be more supportive -I feel even if they were trying to approach the subject of moving out, there are better ways to do this than how they are doing it currently -like having a proper chat at the table with resources to look at the options -that would be more of a plan starter than a panic attack. 

    Having a plan to cope with the anxiety like everyone had said sounds like step 1 anyhow, which would then allow for job, which would be step 2. Then saving for a deposit as these can be eye-watering could be step 3, saving up for furnishings might be step 4(or this night be optional), before step 5 of viewing and securing a place (which if you have anxiety you might need extra support with to deal with it). Your parents jumping to step 6 of moving out date sounds like it's hindering you more and would reset you to step 0. Only look at one step at a time, not all at once, and they need to do this too. Don't compare yourself to how others do it! If your parents aren't helpful, maybe something like contacting CAB would? 

    I feel a little false with all this, I went the uni route, so it was more just applying for halls then living with people I met there so I just had a room with them, then moving in with my boyfriend (now husband).  And my littlest sister is 33 and lives at home with my dad (so they keep each other company so they aren't conflicting). 

    Most importantly is keep calm and then you might be able to look an front of you. Anxiety tends to have us looking at our feet, so we can't see anyway forward, but I'm sure you'll find a path when you are ready.

Reply

  • This sounds tough, do they realise your anxiety is as bad as it is? You might find it helps to communicate this to them on some way so they can hopefully be more supportive -I feel even if they were trying to approach the subject of moving out, there are better ways to do this than how they are doing it currently -like having a proper chat at the table with resources to look at the options -that would be more of a plan starter than a panic attack. 

    Having a plan to cope with the anxiety like everyone had said sounds like step 1 anyhow, which would then allow for job, which would be step 2. Then saving for a deposit as these can be eye-watering could be step 3, saving up for furnishings might be step 4(or this night be optional), before step 5 of viewing and securing a place (which if you have anxiety you might need extra support with to deal with it). Your parents jumping to step 6 of moving out date sounds like it's hindering you more and would reset you to step 0. Only look at one step at a time, not all at once, and they need to do this too. Don't compare yourself to how others do it! If your parents aren't helpful, maybe something like contacting CAB would? 

    I feel a little false with all this, I went the uni route, so it was more just applying for halls then living with people I met there so I just had a room with them, then moving in with my boyfriend (now husband).  And my littlest sister is 33 and lives at home with my dad (so they keep each other company so they aren't conflicting). 

    Most importantly is keep calm and then you might be able to look an front of you. Anxiety tends to have us looking at our feet, so we can't see anyway forward, but I'm sure you'll find a path when you are ready.

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