Advice

Hi Iain, I know you always try to help others but in this case I think you might have misunderstood what Ava said?

I think that she meant that she changed her behaviour to act more "normal" so that she didn't stand out as "different" or "weird" as bullies pick on people with differences. 

No I haven’t bullied. Thank you for your reply.

Ava said:

I would repeat what others said and behave like others to avoid bullying and it’s become my behaviour

I think you now realise that this means the abused (you) had become the abuser and with this awareness comes a responsibility to either change to be better or continue knowing you are being evil.

What is done is done and cannot be changed. You can do something about the future, including apologising to those you bullied if this is an option.

It sounds like you know what the bullying behaviours are so you know to stop them. Autism cannot be used as an excuse now to continue.

While you have come from a bad situation you have the power to make it better, both for yourself and for others so find the positive there.

I think you can forgive yourself for the past deeds but not forget them. Learn and improve from them and use your hyperfocus on doing this - it should change the whole way you feel about the situation once you can see your efforts making things better, maybe stopping others from being bullied in the same way and also regaining control of your life.

That would be my take - learn, impove and live better.

Hi Ava, I think most here will recognise what you have said. Many of us autistic people have been forced to mask our true selves for so long that we find it very difficult to work out who we really are. Even medical professionals it seems, are unable to understand that much of what they might see in us that seems neurotypical is learned behaviour. Having to behave in that unnatural way constantly is exhausting and does lead to burn out. You know yourself better than anyone else. If what you hear and read about autism fits your own lived experience then it's perfectly valid for you to self diagnose.

Dear Ava,

You are "all good" with your post here (in my opinion.)

You speak of things that I ENTIRELY understand.

In "ye Olde days", there were more like 'me, you & Lotus' here.....but for a variety of reasons, we have all sublimated....into the ether.

I stay "looking in" here, purely to reassure folk like you.  By definition, folks like us, feel like fooooking outsiders in EVERY situation/forum/interaction......because we are wired differently.....in our heads.....and therefore in accord to the perception of "others"?!

All I would say is this........if you haven't yet gone through the panoply of alternative "diagnoses" that could apply to "us-type".....then BUCKLE UP sister!!  I spent a good few years NEVER contemplating the "A" word concept.........then.....the penny dropped!  That was a good-few years ago in my life.  In some respects, it got easier over time, in some respects, NOTHING changes.

Good luck to you Ava.

Kind regards

Numb - er.

Delighted to see you still floating here....still.  You are a good human (in my opinion.)

Thank you . Your reply means a lot and I hope you keeping well. Thank you.

Hi and welcome to the community. 

Yes, I completely understand. I grew up on a council estate, went to a not very good school and was bullied. I always observed others and also read novels a lot, so I think that's how I learned to act "normal" . But both the classroom and work environments were extremely demanding and challenging for me, and I was never able to reach my full potential. I am retired now and much more content staying at home most of the time.

I'm sorry that you went for an assessment and didn't get diagnosed. The GP I had when I realised I was probably autistic asked me to do some tests and send him the results, and after seeing those he agreed with me, but was of the opinion that there wouldn't be much point in a formal diagnosis as I wouldn't get any support. After reading experiences of other people on this forum, some who have been diagnosed but still don't get any support and others who have been told at the assessment they are not autistic, I have stayed "self discovered" as we often refer to it here. Please be reassured that you are still welcome to be a member of this community without a professional diagnosis.