Masking Tips

As others have said, masking more is unlikely to be a sustainable thing for you in the long term. I realised that I was autistic after 40+ years of masking that left me feeling pretty burnt out and seeking answers for why I was struggling. What is helping me now, is to accept my autism and try to mask less. I don't have too many physical tells, that I know of, like stunning, but I am socially awkward and very guarded. What is helping me, through therapy, is to accept myself more and worry less about what other people think. As long as I am not harming anyone or being deliberately rude, it's OK for others to find me strange or not really know what to make of me.

You don't say how old you are but I completely get that "not wanting to be perceived" thing. I used to want to move through the world invisibly, drawing no attention to myself, petrified that I would do something that would make everyone turn and stare at me. It's very debilitating. All I can say is that that did fade over time to the point where I wouldn't say I'm 100% over it but it's much less of an issue. It's very easy to say to someone that nobody else is as interested in them as they think, but you have to live enough life to see that for yourself and learn it, through repeated experience, if that makes sense.

It sounds like therapy might be very helpful to you if you can find a therapist who themselves is autistic. I've been seeing a therapist for about 8 months now and, although there is still plenty of work to do, it has been immensely helpful to me to just be able to tell someone else everything, without fear of judgement or shame.

FUB39 said:

I just want to blend in, and try and join in with things to appear "normal".

I've tried that route many times and it either gets too exhausting to sustain or I end up saying something that breaks the picture I was trying to paint of myself and I end up being a focus of attention rather than just skating by unnoticed.

The one approach that worked for me is to be my own sort of character when around others - I'm quiet, pay attention, offer good advice when asked but otherwise just sort of co-exist without the need to be always making an effort and trying to be something I'm not. The character should be close to who you feel you are and not who you think you should be.

Being great at your job helps in work situations as people will often include you in things because you have helped them out before and they will often include you socially as a "thank you". Not getting drawn into the desire to be like the others and be as rowdy helps but when alcohol is involved things get a whole lot harder to manage so I tend to skip these situaitons.

I also found that moving to management helped a lot as the workers don't typically like to socialise with the managers much unless the managers are paying. Other managers are a weird bunch though - lots of paranoia, bad behaviour, insecurities and a fair bit of narcassism is to be found so a tough crowd generally.

What helps me the most with avoiding the outward signs of autism and ADHD is meditation - when you get good at it you can use it to quickly bring down your anxiety levels and reduce the need for stims and regain more control of your focus. This took me years to get good at but was so valuable once I was there.

From previous posts, some of us have spent years working on our social skills through reading books, watching films/dramas/chat shows. It involves mimicry and much practice. 

I don’t know of any books on how to mask, although there are books for autistic people which give tips on how to navigate social situations. 

The decision to mask or not is up to the individual and their circumstances. I have found it useful to mask as it has enabled me to do things that I couldn’t otherwise have done. 

You could take Table 2. In Martin’s link as a starting point for your guide to masking. Then practice, practice practice.

Thanks for replying, and for the link. Perhaps I've identified a gap in the market!

Thanks for replying. I would have thought that lots of people would be looking for something similar, but perhaps not. I just want to live as if I'm not autistic and not let all the weird stuff show.

Hi there,

As Martin has mentioned, tips on how to mask aren’t really a thing many people ask for. 
Many of us older types have learned to mask over the years to get by and it has often led to burn out and sheer exhaustion, so I wouldn’t recommend trying to actively mask. I know it’s easier said than done but try to just be yourself and if others don’t like it then that is there problem. If you’re struggling to get by in what you want to be doing there may be other ways/work arounds you can use to do so and be yourself at the same time.

I do not think that anyone has published 'An autistic field-guide to masking' as such. There would be a vanishingly small readership. A useful academic paper on how and why autistic adults mask/camouflage can be found here:  https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/13623613211026754

Successful masking is based on observing neurotypical behaviour and then copying it. I don't think that there are shortcuts available.