What's your PDA?

Most people around me, just carry on as normal knowing I won't really understand what they're talking about, hopefully they find me charmingly niave rather than ignorant, but then I don't mix with many people and those who are obsessed with brands and the like would find me to uncool to be seen with anyway.

It’s very hard to explain your reasoning for objecting to social norms without coming across as rude or uninterested. And even when you do try it’s met with comments like “you are a grumpy old man” or head shakes and tuts. Although the uninterested part is true you aren’t allowed to say that you simply aren’t interested. I think it’s a very common autistic trait to not need the validation of others even when we live our lives going against the mainstream. 

Autismman said:

I don’t want to appear to judge others for their choices so I keep my thoughts to myself unless I can trust the person won’t take it to heart and will just hear me out.

I still get an awful lot of the, "Why can't you just ... ?!" or "You don't X? What's wrong with Xing?!"

I don't have to say anything, or even think anything. The simple act of not performing the expected act is enough to get the wind up a lot of people. They seem to crave the validation of having everyone around them like what they like and do what they do and if I don't conform, I'm the problem—not their insecurities. And, of course, that only makes me dig my heels in even harder. If they keep going on, I'll start shutting down and do a lot of staring. Just try getting me to sing or dance, for example. That is not going to happen, sorry. (There might be a bit of a trauma thing going on with that example, too.)

I only recognise one Billie elish song and that becuase it has a banger of a bass line and a cool vocal hook but even then I prefer the metal covers haha 

I think now that im unmasking most people in my life are surprised i like Tay Tay but there nkt suprised how much I do becuase if I get into something thats nkt within my usual hobbies it tends to be full of intense joy 

my co worker finds joy in the fact I find joy because she sees that her little brother is the same 

ArchaeC said:

I don’t know the names of many film and TV stars or any of the names of songs by Beyoncé or Taylor Swift.

I don't listen to Taylor Swift. I can't listen to Taylor Swift. No offence to anyone, but her music is one of my stress triggers (along with about half of all pop music). To each their own, though. It's great that lots of people here enjoy her music and she gives them a bit of Autistic joy.

It is probably my imagination, but I get a sense that Taylor Swift is to autistic people what Judy Garland is to gay men: an icon. Of course, as soon as there is even a hint that I might be expected to like her because of that, I start to feel my heels digging in. Then, the next time I hear her, I'll start getting even more stressed than usual.

Not to worry, though. RFK Jr. will have the cure for us all next month, so we won't have to fret about pop music tastes for much longer.

Oh I didn’t read their post, I probably should do that in future rather than recycling the post! I can understand where you are coming from though. I’ve been called an old grumpy man many a time but to me I’m just stating how I view the world and to me fashion isn’t normal, normal is choosing from internal wants and needs not external influences. At the same time I don’t want to appear to judge others for their choices so I keep my thoughts to myself unless I can trust the person won’t take it to heart and will just hear me out. 

Admittedly it's not actually a diagnosis yet. But can be mentioned in diagnostic reports. 

Autismman said:

I think you have described more of an autistic personality than PDA

Yeah, Expecto_Patronum (below) has been putting me straight. It's probably just my literal, black-and-white, less-socially-motivated, autistic brain. I see all the little logical fallacies in the ads, too, and they drive me insane. That makes everything seem like a con job to me and I refuse to cooperate or be taken in. Show me an ad and I'll show you where they're wrong or lying!

Nothing wrong with holding your own hand 

I prefer to keep it classy with just hand holding, to be honest.

Oh wait, wrong definition of PDA.

I think you have described more of an autistic personality than PDA. If you have decided there is no real logical reason you MUST follow the trends for the sake of copying everyone one else that definitely sounds autistic to me because I’m very similar. There will be times when everyone in society seems to be wearing the same brands on their clothing and I just don’t understand why?. I believe this is down to a difference in social motivation and NT’s are more inclined to follow suit to be part of the pack.

Haha — Why do you not surprise me about TayTay? LOL 

I’m slightly relieved that you would struggle to recognise Billie Eilish because it means we have something in common! 

The problem is that it's an incorrectly used term. The same that people say it's my OCD when they mean they're a little particular. PDA the diagnosis is completely different to people that just don't want to do something.

I mean I’d probably struggle to recognise Billie Elsie unless she had the famous hair colours she’s had but I can recognise Beyoncé and Tay anywhere even like old pics of them from bedroom I knew who they were from 

I refuse to like something becuase others ro if I but a fashion label it’s becuse it’s super cheap and I need a top or whatever 

I like wearing the band tops i like the bands of nkt what ever is in fashion and if I go to a gig I may or may not wear the band tops depending how I feel I just refuse to fit in becuase contest aitn a sin no it’s not a sin 

I love a good advert slofab but only for a new stim

i hate being told how to enjoy something like oh yes everyone will have one song they dislike hu this band or they’re all good let me decide please 

oh this game is the worst game ever? Wrll I like it so neeehhh 

I think PDA is one of those overused terms and is used to often as an accusation when someone dosen't want to do something.

I don't watch adverts so things being advertised at me rarely happens, I do use comparison sites, just because they're easy and I often managed to get good deals.

I do research too, or as much as I can, because so many sites don't give me the information I'm looking for and I wonder what sort of idiot comes up with the FAQ's pages on these sites as I cant' imagine anyone ever asking some of the questions. I also find it hard to research things because I can't go and physically look at things or try them on.

I think its perectly reasonable not to like or want to do everything anyone asks of you.

I share your aversion to most of the things on your list, including to advertised products, but that is because I do my research when making purchases I need, and I don’t need most of the things advertised. Also, I am not drawn in by the advertisements and their claims which can be misleading and are sometimes bordering on the edge of fantasy.

I don’t follow the latest trends in anything and I don’t eat fast food from takeaways. I don’t know the names of many film and TV stars or any of the names of songs by Beyoncé or Taylor Swift. In fact, I don’t know what Beyoncé looks like and I have only recently learned to identify Taylor Swift in a photograph. 

I do have all Apple products because they are meant to be more secure from hackers, they are straightforward to use, and banking, photos and documents work seamlessly across devices. I hate trailing wires or technology to look a mess with bits and pieces all over the place, so my iMac doesn’t glare back at me in that respect. 

Damojo said:

suspect I might have a bit of it

I believe that researchers are not able to come up with a universally accepted definition of PDA. I haven’t trawled round all the information out there on PDA, so I can’t comment on your experience. I haven’t PDA and I believe my preferences are because I am autistic and have restricted and intense interests elsewhere.

No problem. I think we can all have a drive for autonomy sometimes. I find that sometimes I feel a need to be in control of a situation because so much of my life feels out of control. It is just the difference between it being in certain situations as opposed to someone telling you something as simple as to eat breakfast sending you into an absolute spin.

I think it does sound like what you're describing would be more likely down to rigid and black and white thinking and possibly your sense of justice.

If it were PDA you would (from my understanding) experience extreme feelings to pretty much all demands. 

It doesn't mean that people that haven't got PDA can't resist demands at times. But there's a big difference between resisting because it is something you don't like/want to do or because you've had a bad day and aren't in the mood, than it being because it is a demand. 

Thanks for that,  Expecto_Patronum . I'm still trying to figure out all the bits and bobs. With AuDHD and possibly other letters, I get all muddled up about what traits fit where (and many are common to both). Apologies to anyone with PDA who thinks I might have been flippant. I am genuinely trying to figure out if PDA is something I have or not. Your opinion is "not" (and, yes, I know you're not trying to diagnose me either way; you're just providing a bit of guidance).

You reckon, then, this is more something to do with rigid, black-and-white thinking, or a non-pathological streak of autistic autonomy, then? (I don't think it's a trauma response, as I've always been like this.) I don't get the panic attack or meltdown experience most of the time. That said, I'm often to be found shouting or booing at advertisements and have had the occasional stand-off in public when something/one was wrong and I really didn't want to cooperate. Inside, I'd have a huge rush of adrenaline and rage (fight) and need to work hard to keep a lid on it. I just find it really hard to back down and calm down, though. Maybe those are just "normal" meltdowns due to triggering my "justice and fairness" trait.

I've been developing more of an understanding of the whole meltdown experience more recently. By observing myself in the moment, I seem to be now more likely to experience "flight" (remove myself from the stressors) than "fight" (try to resist the stressors). I guess a panic attack response is less dangerous than a rage response. A work in progress.

I don't think you can have a bit of PDA. That's like when people say they're a bit autistic. You either are or you aren't. I think there can be a bit of confusion between a level of demand avoidance (everyone does this at some point in life, some far more than others) and pathological demand avoidance that significantly affects functioning.

I don't think what you're describing sounds like PDA. PDA is likened to a panic attack when a demand is put Infront of the person. It is a difficulty following any kind of demand, even if it was something they like to do. Giving someone with PDA any kind of direct instruction can trigger a big reaction as it sends them into complete panic.

I think what you're describing is more in line with autism. Things like fashion often make no sense to people with autism (not for everyone, some will love it). I think because it's not logical. Why would I wear something because that's what other people have decided it's in. I'm with you on the next one - there has to be a purpose for doing things. I can't just go for a walk for example. I would need a reason/end goal for that walk. The last one I think probably comes down to a dislike of being pushed. I don't mind advertising so much but I hate pushy companies that send relentless flyers and emails etc.