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Suicidal.

Zeb

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old male recently diagnosed with autism, which has made a lot of sense of the great difficulties I have faced - my sensitivity both with senses and emotions, and my tendency to be obsessive.

I've struggled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for many years now and feel my best days are far behind me.  I'm very isolated, and it's hard to break out due to my fear of going to new places and meeting new people.

I feel that I don't belong in this world, and I have been battling deep emotional pain that I can't cope with, and I have been feeling suicidal for a long time.  I am getting to the point now where I have made plans, but it's not at all easy to face dying.  It's a catch 22 between facing the pains of life and the terror of death.

I feel very little hope and battle every day through these feelings of pointlessness and dread, and I don't know how much longer I can go on for.

I've been through the mental health services and my only hope is to pursue support from autism services, to see if with any assistance, I can feel that life is worth living again.  Maybe if I could find some kind of community and build more routine and belonging into my life, there might be hope.  It's so hard to meet new people and make friends.

  • Hey Zeb, i understand everything you described, the deep emotional pain, anxiety and depression, finding it hard to be able to go into new places and trying to meet new people, feeling isolated and struggling with those feelings on a daily basis, it resonates deeply with me. i have been through all of those things myself, and i am sure there are lots of people like us that that feel the same way, your best years are not far behind you, they are yet to come, you are only 27, i wish i was your age again. you do belong in this world, its just about finding the right group of people and feeling like you belong and are accepted and have people around you that understand, and have direction in your life. it is hard to meet new people and make friends, but its not impossible, and there are groups online and offline that exist, its just about finding the right ones that you feel comfortable in, and they are there. you have made a start by coming on this forum and telling people how you feel. you have a long life ahead of you, you might be in a lot of emotional pain now, and it has been that way for a long time, it was the same for me, but in the future you will look back and you will be glad you never carried out any plans to hurt yourself, please don't try. i am sure there are a lots of friendly people on this forum you could talk to.

  • https://www.autism.org.uk/contact-us/urgent-help

    So I think you may have edited out your plan, but just as an fyi no plan is 100%. Like you and Kate, I’ve also done my research on how to do it and I have found that practically nothing is unsurvivable. Definitely read what Kate and PinkLink wrote, then I want you to do us a favor:

    Check in with us here tomorrow.

  • in reply to PinkLink

    I agree with this PinkLink - feeling isolated and alone at times is so common for autistic people - and we often feel totally overwhelmed and feel like ‘giving up’. But we all deserve better than a messy suicide attempt - we deserve happiness just as much as anyone. Speak8ng for myself I feel suicidal when I feel overwhelmed and can’t bear to feel ‘like that’ for a moment longer. But all feeling pass eventually - I often think ‘this too shall pass’ to reassure myself. If we can just allow the feeling to be there instead of fighting it or running away it really will pass eventually. And there are so many strategies we can use to help us through it. 

  • Hi Zeb, I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this at the moment. I think suicidal thoughts are sadly very common in autistic people - so you are far from alone. I’ve felt like this too - so often. 
    I had a serious physical illness about 3 years ago and thought I might die - and the memory of that definitely reduced the amount of times that I felt about suicide - because when I really felt I was going to die I was horrified and scared - and desperately wanted to live. 
    Also - in the times that I’ve more seriously considered suicide and actually researched it I’ve learned that the vast majority of people who attempt suicide ‘fail’ to achieve it - and just end up seriously injured and suffering immense pain or disability etc. So they make what is already a terrible situation much much worse - rather than finding ‘escape’ from pain. 

    However hard it might seem - the truth is that living is easier than dying (or trying to die) - and the best way to improve your situation is to improve your experience of life - not to try to die. 

    And the next question of course is : how? That’s the really interesting part - the part where you need to research the art of living - rather than how to stop living. Everyone is different but I do believe that everyone has the potential to cultivate more joy in their lives. Start with the small things, like making foods you like, or getting out for a walk in the countryside in the morning. Basically anything that you in any way enjoy - turn more towards those things. Mindfulness can be very effective. Talk to people, even if it’s just someone at the bus stop etc. I got really into Zen Buddhism and that helped me to have greater awareness of how to handle my negative and destructive emotions - and to cultivate more joy. I still get down and have suicidal thoughts - but I have a few approaches now that help me to reduce the intensity of these feelings. It can be done. Don’t give up, and please take care of yourself. Suicide is not a good choice - even though it sometimes seems that way. We need to learn to live more joyfully - and suicide puts an end to any possibility of that. 

  • Some thoughts from a fellow late-diagnosed autistic person here who is also struggling. You're not alone out there - try not to give up hope just yet. 

    The feeling of not belonging in this world is a common one amongst us autistic folk it seems. I actually just finished watching a series called "Resident Alien" on Netflix where I could definitely relate to the alien trying to live a "normal life" on earth.

    I have also been through therapy several times for what I thought at the time to be depression, anxiety etc. but in hindsight all link back to long-term struggles connected to my autism, even though to others I still seem pretty high masking/functional day-to-day.

    Therapy and medication is great but personally I have found the most relief through things I never would have thought could have a significant impact because I didn't realize what my real needs were. For example, despite being decent at public speaking I actually find verbal communication of my emotions way more challenging that communicating through a painting, song or food.

    I've spent a lot of time trying to make friends by doing things that help you make friends rather than things I actually enjoy 10/10 and think are cool and fun, but I've been doing it for years so I didn't even realize. The internet is a big place and even the most niche interests tend to have a community somewhere so lead with anything you enjoy that is a true 10/10 for you and maybe you will start to find more community. Equally though just getting out the house and sitting in a cafe for a while can help me feel a bit less lonely sometimes.

    Hope this is helpful in some way. I've just joined the community on here too so you can be in the newbie crew with me at least!