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Suicidal.

Zeb

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old male recently diagnosed with autism, which has made a lot of sense of the great difficulties I have faced - my sensitivity both with senses and emotions, and my tendency to be obsessive.

I've struggled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for many years now and feel my best days are far behind me.  I'm very isolated, and it's hard to break out due to my fear of going to new places and meeting new people.

I feel that I don't belong in this world, and I have been battling deep emotional pain that I can't cope with, and I have been feeling suicidal for a long time.  I am getting to the point now where I have made plans, but it's not at all easy to face dying.  It's a catch 22 between facing the pains of life and the terror of death.

I feel very little hope and battle every day through these feelings of pointlessness and dread, and I don't know how much longer I can go on for.

I've been through the mental health services and my only hope is to pursue support from autism services, to see if with any assistance, I can feel that life is worth living again.  Maybe if I could find some kind of community and build more routine and belonging into my life, there might be hope.  It's so hard to meet new people and make friends.

Parents

  • Some thoughts from a fellow late-diagnosed autistic person here who is also struggling. You're not alone out there - try not to give up hope just yet. 

    The feeling of not belonging in this world is a common one amongst us autistic folk it seems. I actually just finished watching a series called "Resident Alien" on Netflix where I could definitely relate to the alien trying to live a "normal life" on earth.

    I have also been through therapy several times for what I thought at the time to be depression, anxiety etc. but in hindsight all link back to long-term struggles connected to my autism, even though to others I still seem pretty high masking/functional day-to-day.

    Therapy and medication is great but personally I have found the most relief through things I never would have thought could have a significant impact because I didn't realize what my real needs were. For example, despite being decent at public speaking I actually find verbal communication of my emotions way more challenging that communicating through a painting, song or food.

    I've spent a lot of time trying to make friends by doing things that help you make friends rather than things I actually enjoy 10/10 and think are cool and fun, but I've been doing it for years so I didn't even realize. The internet is a big place and even the most niche interests tend to have a community somewhere so lead with anything you enjoy that is a true 10/10 for you and maybe you will start to find more community. Equally though just getting out the house and sitting in a cafe for a while can help me feel a bit less lonely sometimes.

    Hope this is helpful in some way. I've just joined the community on here too so you can be in the newbie crew with me at least!

Reply

  • Some thoughts from a fellow late-diagnosed autistic person here who is also struggling. You're not alone out there - try not to give up hope just yet. 

    The feeling of not belonging in this world is a common one amongst us autistic folk it seems. I actually just finished watching a series called "Resident Alien" on Netflix where I could definitely relate to the alien trying to live a "normal life" on earth.

    I have also been through therapy several times for what I thought at the time to be depression, anxiety etc. but in hindsight all link back to long-term struggles connected to my autism, even though to others I still seem pretty high masking/functional day-to-day.

    Therapy and medication is great but personally I have found the most relief through things I never would have thought could have a significant impact because I didn't realize what my real needs were. For example, despite being decent at public speaking I actually find verbal communication of my emotions way more challenging that communicating through a painting, song or food.

    I've spent a lot of time trying to make friends by doing things that help you make friends rather than things I actually enjoy 10/10 and think are cool and fun, but I've been doing it for years so I didn't even realize. The internet is a big place and even the most niche interests tend to have a community somewhere so lead with anything you enjoy that is a true 10/10 for you and maybe you will start to find more community. Equally though just getting out the house and sitting in a cafe for a while can help me feel a bit less lonely sometimes.

    Hope this is helpful in some way. I've just joined the community on here too so you can be in the newbie crew with me at least!

Children
  • in reply to PinkLink

    I agree with this PinkLink - feeling isolated and alone at times is so common for autistic people - and we often feel totally overwhelmed and feel like ‘giving up’. But we all deserve better than a messy suicide attempt - we deserve happiness just as much as anyone. Speak8ng for myself I feel suicidal when I feel overwhelmed and can’t bear to feel ‘like that’ for a moment longer. But all feeling pass eventually - I often think ‘this too shall pass’ to reassure myself. If we can just allow the feeling to be there instead of fighting it or running away it really will pass eventually. And there are so many strategies we can use to help us through it.