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Suicidal.

Zeb

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old male recently diagnosed with autism, which has made a lot of sense of the great difficulties I have faced - my sensitivity both with senses and emotions, and my tendency to be obsessive.

I've struggled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for many years now and feel my best days are far behind me.  I'm very isolated, and it's hard to break out due to my fear of going to new places and meeting new people.

I feel that I don't belong in this world, and I have been battling deep emotional pain that I can't cope with, and I have been feeling suicidal for a long time.  I am getting to the point now where I have made plans, but it's not at all easy to face dying.  It's a catch 22 between facing the pains of life and the terror of death.

I feel very little hope and battle every day through these feelings of pointlessness and dread, and I don't know how much longer I can go on for.

I've been through the mental health services and my only hope is to pursue support from autism services, to see if with any assistance, I can feel that life is worth living again.  Maybe if I could find some kind of community and build more routine and belonging into my life, there might be hope.  It's so hard to meet new people and make friends.

Parents

  • Hi Zeb, I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this at the moment. I think suicidal thoughts are sadly very common in autistic people - so you are far from alone. I’ve felt like this too - so often. 
    I had a serious physical illness about 3 years ago and thought I might die - and the memory of that definitely reduced the amount of times that I felt about suicide - because when I really felt I was going to die I was horrified and scared - and desperately wanted to live. 
    Also - in the times that I’ve more seriously considered suicide and actually researched it I’ve learned that the vast majority of people who attempt suicide ‘fail’ to achieve it - and just end up seriously injured and suffering immense pain or disability etc. So they make what is already a terrible situation much much worse - rather than finding ‘escape’ from pain. 

    However hard it might seem - the truth is that living is easier than dying (or trying to die) - and the best way to improve your situation is to improve your experience of life - not to try to die. 

    And the next question of course is : how? That’s the really interesting part - the part where you need to research the art of living - rather than how to stop living. Everyone is different but I do believe that everyone has the potential to cultivate more joy in their lives. Start with the small things, like making foods you like, or getting out for a walk in the countryside in the morning. Basically anything that you in any way enjoy - turn more towards those things. Mindfulness can be very effective. Talk to people, even if it’s just someone at the bus stop etc. I got really into Zen Buddhism and that helped me to have greater awareness of how to handle my negative and destructive emotions - and to cultivate more joy. I still get down and have suicidal thoughts - but I have a few approaches now that help me to reduce the intensity of these feelings. It can be done. Don’t give up, and please take care of yourself. Suicide is not a good choice - even though it sometimes seems that way. We need to learn to live more joyfully - and suicide puts an end to any possibility of that. 

Reply

  • Hi Zeb, I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this at the moment. I think suicidal thoughts are sadly very common in autistic people - so you are far from alone. I’ve felt like this too - so often. 
    I had a serious physical illness about 3 years ago and thought I might die - and the memory of that definitely reduced the amount of times that I felt about suicide - because when I really felt I was going to die I was horrified and scared - and desperately wanted to live. 
    Also - in the times that I’ve more seriously considered suicide and actually researched it I’ve learned that the vast majority of people who attempt suicide ‘fail’ to achieve it - and just end up seriously injured and suffering immense pain or disability etc. So they make what is already a terrible situation much much worse - rather than finding ‘escape’ from pain. 

    However hard it might seem - the truth is that living is easier than dying (or trying to die) - and the best way to improve your situation is to improve your experience of life - not to try to die. 

    And the next question of course is : how? That’s the really interesting part - the part where you need to research the art of living - rather than how to stop living. Everyone is different but I do believe that everyone has the potential to cultivate more joy in their lives. Start with the small things, like making foods you like, or getting out for a walk in the countryside in the morning. Basically anything that you in any way enjoy - turn more towards those things. Mindfulness can be very effective. Talk to people, even if it’s just someone at the bus stop etc. I got really into Zen Buddhism and that helped me to have greater awareness of how to handle my negative and destructive emotions - and to cultivate more joy. I still get down and have suicidal thoughts - but I have a few approaches now that help me to reduce the intensity of these feelings. It can be done. Don’t give up, and please take care of yourself. Suicide is not a good choice - even though it sometimes seems that way. We need to learn to live more joyfully - and suicide puts an end to any possibility of that. 

Children
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