Abusive relationships

I don't feel like I've ever had a non abusive relationship, I've had 4 long term relationships and whilst the abuse hasn't been physical, its certainly been psychological and only looking back do I see how damaging they've been. I'm so much better off on my own and never want another relationship again.

Does anyone else feel the same?

Parents
  • I've been involved in abusive situations more than once, and witnessed those of others.  Does this mean that the traumas undergone and witnessed were that horrific that they'd prohibit me from ever involving myself in anything serious again?    No.

    And this is despite the fact I have cPTSD.

    The way I see this, I wont get any better - mentally - by continually thinking about the past - and one of the best ways to stop looking backward is to have things to focus on now, and potentially in the future.  I also realise that not everyone is as revolting as some of the characters we may have had the misfortune to meet in the past - and I think it may be worth the risk to give people the benefit of the doubt, with caution and common sense.

    However, this doesn't make me right & anyone else wrong.  It's just my opinion.  And we know how much many of us Autistic folk despise isolation too.  

  • Manipulation and psychological control / abuse is quite commonly found in latelings. The desire to fit in leaves us open to abuse control. That is my opinion based on my experiences over 40 years. The toll it takes on you mentally is horrendous.

    It took me over 20 years to reach breaking point in my marriage but even then it was devastating and ever so lonely at first.

    I too suffer with cPTSD due to the many traumas endured over a lifetime of abuse and control. Thankfully, I now have a wonderful partner who gets me and happily gives me the space I need. We are together but live apart. It works for me anyway.

  • I am starting to see how agreeing and going along with things is part of masking. Also just how bad I am for doing it!

    I also think, that even if the other person doesn't realise it or have any malice, by letting them do it you can enforce it and it happens more.

    This obviously applies to any relationships whether it be emotional/romantic or just friend and family...

    I think it's best to start and be stronger and put our foot down if we feel we're heading this way, although it's extremely hard to risk rejection by disagreeing. My gran often used to say to people "don't be a doormat" , think she had a good point!

Reply
  • I am starting to see how agreeing and going along with things is part of masking. Also just how bad I am for doing it!

    I also think, that even if the other person doesn't realise it or have any malice, by letting them do it you can enforce it and it happens more.

    This obviously applies to any relationships whether it be emotional/romantic or just friend and family...

    I think it's best to start and be stronger and put our foot down if we feel we're heading this way, although it's extremely hard to risk rejection by disagreeing. My gran often used to say to people "don't be a doormat" , think she had a good point!

Children
  • It's something that occurred to me recently and when I started to o look overall at what I do to mask, it's probably the biggest one.

    I've let life leed me mostly and people too, not to say anything is bad in my life in that sense, I've made decisions myself, but tend to let my wife and others "run things" and "plan things" , as I always feel it'd rock the boat if I often disagreed with everyone.

    I'm trying to figure how to get back in more control, or at least to feel I am, without causing too many problems 

  • Thanks AA, I'd never thought of it as being another aspect of masking, but I think you're and it is. I've had a lot of unhealthy female friendships too and I've sort of worked out how to avoid those, but not romatic relationships with men.

    Theres that old saying that women marry a man expecting him to change and a man marries a woman expecting she'll never change, I've actually found the opposite to be true, I know people will change as they age etc, what I don't expect is the sort of overnight change. When I moved in with with a now ex, we'd been together 3 years and got on mostly fine, however I felt as soon as I'd moved in the goal posts changed and it was like he was in charge and I had less and less say in what we did and how we lived. One of his first pronouncements was that I needed to do something "respectable" and got me a load of bumf about becoming a magistrate! I read it all and said I wasn't doing that and gave my reasons, which he didn't really like. He didn't like either of my jobs, working in a wholefood shop was too weird and oddly to high profile among our friendships groups. We argued a lot about my health and money, he was always trying to shut me about my health whilst saying that he wasn't going to be pushing me about in a wheelchair. I'd wasted my time having children when I should of been out earning money, but on the day I earned more than him through my hairdressing business he got really angry and had an absolute fit, that I as a mere hairdresser should earn more than him, a computer programmer, in a day.