RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) help?

Oh thats what it's called, I do it often, it's one of the reasons I don't socilalise very much. I find an inner recital of "I've got no common sense" by Ivor Cutler helps to break the doom loop, sometimes I have to sing it aloud to drown out the volume of my thoughts.

RSD got me diagnosed in the first place. It was horrific - couldn't concentrate, couldn't work, was basically just drifting through days like a zombie trying to put right what I thought I had messed up.

It helps if there are specific issues that get resolved but the trouble is, you know it's like a game of 'Whack-a-Mole' - as soon as one thing gets resolved and you get a nice calm feeling for half a day then something else kicks off.

I'm going to research the mindfulness and give that a try as well.

Yeah I found the CBT side a bit hard to put into practice so gave up.

Mindfulness however is a game changer like you say, very useful. They used a lot of grounding techniques on there that I found helpful.

Another Autistician said:

Mindfulness came up in the NHS online therapy (silver cloud??) , that and also a heavy focus on CBT.

I don't believe CBT is the process by which all courses tech pupils to learn the skills however - it will work for many of the neurotypicals (which I guess is why they use it) so I would look for a course aimed at neurodivergents.

Mindfulness came up in the NHS online therapy (silver cloud??) , that and also a heavy focus on CBT.

I'm not sure about CBT, that cycle of 123 for many of us often go 8,5,2,1,3!  so it doesn't always work. But mindfulness was a big key takeaway for me from that, which you can then use to interrupt a cycle or pattern that you know you're going around.

Finding a way recognise when things don't feel right, to stop, asses yourself and calmly (ISH) work out what's going on, rather than just reacting to emotions and hormonal responses, which are often totally wrong, has helped me a huge amount. 

On the minus side I'm probably way too self analytical now, but I can slowly reign that back in.

MrsPickles said:

Can I learn this by myself?

There should be courses you can do online via sites like Udemy etc - but the most effective way would be with the help of a therapist if you can afford it (in my opinion).

If you can find some of these for free or on trial and give them a go then I would see if I am able to handle the basics.

The reason I say that is I see time and again here that autists seem to have real problems in taking action to educate themselves and apply that education, whether for mindfulness, rules of socialisation or whatever.

Many clain they "don't get it" - I'm starting to realise that in spite of many of us being above average in intelligence we are not necessarily able to apply this.

I'm not an expert in why but don't beat yourself up if you find it really hard going. It took me a few months of practice to get competent in just the basics but I did it on my own by trusting the books I was using even if I didn't understand all the psychology behind it.

This was over 30 years ago and I don't recall the book name I'm afraid.

Thank you, hearing I'm not alone feeling like this is actually really reassuring. I feel very alone in the spiral and I'm aware I'm driving everyone nuts needing constant reassurance. It's really oddly calming hearing others struggles and examples being able to relate. It's a phew moment. 

Thank you so much. Can I learn this by myself? Not require any outside assistance? I will definitely try, I have gone through so many anxiety workbooks out of desperation

I never knew what it was until this year, now I know I've been trying to do something about it.

RSD has driven almost every decision and choice I've made in my entire life. Choice on big things like homes cars, jobs, also smaller stuff. Almost every decision. I've spent so much time trying not to upset people, trying not to disagree or in some way annoy them enough that they'll reject me or I'll lose them. Or, it's been for the sake of masking, to fit in, again, to not be rejected.

One thing that's driven this  I believe is my lack of self worth. Why would anyone stick around with me if I was just the slightest bit disagreeable or didn't share their view?

I noticed I almost don't have an opinion now unless I've asked someone else first or seen a pattern to follow. If I'm given a choice I freeze like a lamped rabbit. Even the daft things like choosing a drink based on what everyone else is having, right upto big choices.

Don't let it take you over. As Iain also said, "mindfulness" will help. Notice when you're doing it and take a step back.  Take the risk of doing something your way, but make sure it's your way, not what you think people would want you to do. 

 I've realised the rejection itself is what I fear, even from people I wouldn't care less about having in my life, even some people I don't even remotely like. Why are we wasting this effort on them?!?

A lifetime of masking and trying to fit into the herd is in my opinion what's driven me to be this way, it isn't easy changing it. But if you don't you'll be living a life that isn't authentic.

People will want you , far more than the just fact that you agree with them, anyone who's worth having around will respect you for standing up to what you believe and not going along with everything too. 

Obviously there are compromises to make in life, but don't make it every decision you make. Don't be a doormat.

Not saying it's easy, changing this is the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm a long way from fixed. but if anyone's got a good chance of being a really authentic me, it's me. I don't want to be a poor copy of someone else.

Stop, think "what do I really want to o do?"  then , unless there's something really important that takes priority, do it.

MrsPickles said:

Can you give advice on how you stopped it and manage to get by day to day?

In a word, mindfulness.

I used to be very similar to you in this (all pre diagnosis) and I was pointed to mindfulness by an assetivness coach on a training course,

It helps you rationalise whether you are being reasonable and focus much more on the moment to try to be effective in what you are doing and avoid the chain reactions you are generating.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356

I would do some research into it if you are interested. It isn't trivial to learn and requires some self discipline to apply but the results were so worth it for me.

That was my experience / soution - I hope it is of use.

Hi there. I've recently discovered that I suffer with this as well. I also struggle with it a great deal. It affects almost every aspect of my life and I feel like I can't enjoy anything because it.

For example, I was cooking dinner for everyone earlier and my Mum pointed out certain mistakes I had made (not reading recipe instructions properly, forgetting to put peas in etc.) A lot of the time when I'm cooking dinner is I constantly ask my Mum if I'm doing everything right. Because of this, I have become a stressed out perfectionist terrified of making mistakes. When I do make mistakes and they're pointed out to me, I feel so ashamed, I get very depressed and anxious and its on my mind for a long time. 

Another thing I do, particularly in the workplace, is consistently asking co workers if I'm doing a good enough? e.g. "Did I handle that OK?" It makes me constantly on high alert and I can't relax and my confidence isn't high.

At the moment, the thing I'm doing at the moment is I'm telling myself is you made a mistake, fine, but I can learn from it. I'm not sure what else to say as I'm trying to navigate it myself.

Just so you know, I completely understand what you're going through.