Feeling very down, isolated and hopeless

Yes I have been there. I did get through it though. My problem was kept taking criticism for not being "normal" enough. It wasn't until I started talking to other autistic poeple, not just here but on zoom groups, that I realised I am not alone. Suddenly I found others like me. 

Hope this helps

Dear Blueberry, 

Thank you for posting and telling the community what you are going through. It is good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.     

If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support  

The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help  

If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service. In in England, Wales and Scotland there is now an option to speak with mental health professionals by selecting ‘option 2’ when calling NHS 111: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/  

You may also find the following useful:  

• Shelter can support with housing advice: https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help
• Our guide on dealing with bullying here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/bullying 

• If you would like some confidential advice and support, you may call the National Bullying helpline on 0845 2255787 or visit their website: https://www.nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/  

• There is also help and advice for children, young people and parents on the Bullybusters website, along with details of their support helpline: https://www.bullybusters.org.uk/help_and_advice/ 

Help for anyone struggling to cope  

• Samaritans: Call 116 123 for free, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.  

• Mind Infoline: 0300 1233393 for information and signposting (9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday)   

• SANEline: 0300 304 7000 for anyone experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else (4.30pm to 10.30pm, every day)  

• Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM): for men 0800 58 58 58, (5pm to midnight every day).    

• Shout 85258: a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone struggling to cope.  

We hope this is helpful to you.  

Kind regards, 

Rosie Mod 

Yep, I can relate to that, I was thinking last night, I can't remember the last time anyone made me a cup of coffee, it's too complicated apparently to make a jug of black coffee with no extras.

I'm feeling like I want to give up with humans and have more animals in my life, they may not make me coffee, but at least they give back more than aggravation.

I don't feel like I fit in here either, maybe you will as your younger and probably do more of the things young people do and people on here relate too.

Good luck

I thought so! And I will try, thank you ️ still trying to work out how this all works

On this board you will find many people who feel very similar. I hope that you stick around and contribute.

Hello! Just want you to know I really appreciate your kind words. I’m very glad to hear you’re going to continue the staying alive thing! Sadly I’m quite lacking in friends but I appreciate your message so much. Keeping this fairly short compared to yours but doesn’t mean I’m not grateful.  Your rational brain having the suicidal thoughts I can relate to…we are strong for fighting that well done you! Social anxiety gosh yes it’s rife isn’t it. I do find certain times I can mask it and get through…but not for long and then I need I hide in a corner or exit the building. You do sound like a very good guy and I’m glad to hear your parents are there for you. Thank you again for taking the time to share your story and reach out.  Hoping today is good to you!  

Hi Blueberry  Thank you so much for your message it means a lot. I’m sorry to hear about the bullying but I’m sadly not surprised in this world, especially toward us unconventional types. I hope this has stopped for you now. It does sound very familiar re no one stepping into help. I have a partner and he’s great but I can’t rely and shouldn’t for his sake, on him for everything. I stay for him and I suppose maybe two other people but ultimately if (let’s call him R) wasn’t about I don’t think I’d have much to stay for. Having said that moods do come and go but life is such hard work, especially with autism. I mask it away from home but just feel like I'm not meant to be on this planet. It’s too loud and confusing and somewhat unfriendly! Do you feel this way? I don’t have close family really and no friends, just usual interactions with online people at times. I’m craving some emotional support and kind of want to be parented in a way! I never have been truly. My mum is emotionally unavailable and always has been and dad passed away during my childhood. This sounds so woe is me I’m sorry but there is just a lifetime to unpack and no one to really hear it…therapy doesn’t work for me as there is too much to unpack so never know where to even begin. I’m quite good at getting through things most of the time but now feels really really hard. How are you today? I hope the living arrangements pan out for you, the business thing settles and you find something you love! Haven’t heard of papyrus so thank you. I almost tried shout the other day a txt service. Depends where you are in the world I suppose. Thank you so much again for reaching out. Sorry to vent and I hope things improve for you.

Hello friend.

Ultimately I can only second the reply that 'you are most definitely not alone'.  It is hard. Very hard. And I know just what you mean by not acting on 'that thought'.

I'm currently in my third week in hospital after I took a 'pre-' overdose. I say 'pre-' because it was my intention to take what I thought would be the 'final' overdose the following day. After reaching out to my ex, then phoning Samaritans, then telling my parents what I was about to do, it became clear that something was really wrong with me and that I inevitably needed professional help. 

Yet after three weeks 'in', I'm much closer to being discharged than I am to be given a diagnosis. I say this but the psychiatrist has alluded very strongly to the fact that I show signs of Asperger's (so, level 1 ASD). The sheer length of the referral naturally prolongs any closure on this but the prognosis seems to fit at least. I've been through a fair bit these past couple of years. I walked away from my marriage, entered into a relationship that caused friction between myself and my doting parents, made myself homeless and most recently have been rejected from my dream of training to be a teacher on mental health grounds. So just when I thought I was getting back on the rails, the latter rejection threw me right off and I wanted out. I just wanted out.

The scary thing, I've found, is that my suicidality comes through my rational brain more so than emotional despair. I feel the latter but don't know how to express it. Yet I can't end my life, partly because I am painfully indecisive (though also impulsive) and, of course, because I'm a good guy and I know it. I've got two small kids from my first marriage, two loving parents, a caring older brother and a few close friends who understand. 

Now, I don't know what your 'protective factors' (basically, what keeps you alive) are but I know, simply by reading your post this evening and wanting to reply to you, that I am not alone in wanting to reach out to you. I care because I know I do and I know what you are going through. I've been there - I haven't been there exactly as you have experienced, felt and endured it, but trust me, in my own unique way, I've been there too. My parents are too old to be worrying about me, my brother has his own family to put first, my children are young and live hundreds of miles away from me now with their mum (who I fortunately still get on well with). And the responsibility of having good, lasting friendships with similar souls terrifies me. (And social anxiety is as natural as breathing to me! ) So I know that I've got it all to live for. I don't know you, but I know that you also have so much to live for, even or especially if you don't know it yet. It will always be hard. I know it will be. I tell myself that the scars I've given myself through being on/off suicidal through most of my life and constantly beating myself up over things - being the victim of abuse, trauma and bullying...but this is the thing...I've been the one who has been abusing, traumatising and bullying myself. 

With low, low, low self-esteem and a very uncertain outlook on the future (to put it very mildly!) I'm going to keep doing this staying alive thing. I mean, I've got this far. I really want you to keep doing it do. Especially when it seems so pointless and so tough. Especially when there seems no logic in it, even. Something I've debated long and hard with myself, in my mind and in my prayers. It's on virtual places like here, at this moment of time and place, where I find my meaning and purpose in life. In wanting to reach out to you so so much at this moment. Precisely because you are you. You are struggling, you are lonely, you feel beaten. But you are never alone. I can't say that you will never feel isolated, down, hopeless. In fact, I'm sure you will. I'm sure I will and I'm pretty sure that 'practically' everyone who reads this will feel this way at some point or other. But never alone. I am with you and for you. My friends - your friends - here are with you and for you. Cheering you on all the way.

Love and support are so previous, so important. To have them in your life is to be forever guarded of them as you know, as you do now, what it feels like not to have them. I sympathise and I can empathise. I'm really hoping for you, Ange, that this period of time that you're enduring will pass, will get easier, will soften before it inevitably returns. But when it does return, know that in some deeper way it is happening to others in their own ways and by 'sharing' your pain in some way, we are each sharing our own. I find that right now, as I am writing to you and I hope you can feel it too. 

Ultimately I'm just a good guy who somehow managed to avoid making a very bad mistake. And I'm here now, writing to you. If you do manage to sleep, I wish you comfort through the frustration of life's trials. If you don't and you're seeing this now, be assured that I'm thinking of you. Dear Sister. I'm 38/m 'big bro'. And you take care now, you hear me. Right behind you with arm outstretched. Reach out.

Hey AngeAlien, I know what this feels like and I'm sorry it's all weighing so heavy right now. Kinda piggybacking your post to vent myself but I've been on the receiving end of full on bullying this year (something I naively didn't think possible at 34!) and feel isolated, stupid and like I can't trust myself or anyone else. I feel like pressing the eject button every day and I'm sad there's no one to step in and help, does that sound familiar? I get frustrated that I just have to keep doing everything on my own. People say it's not that way, there are always people to help but that feels like it has to be absolute crisis. I know there are helplines but also how hard it is to reach out, especially when you can't physically talk/explain. (I've found Papyrus helpline helpful, if that's anything.) Ultimately I know it doesn't help with building up your life to something that feels worthwhile or secure though, I feel that. You just have to keep plugging away and it's EXHAUSTING. My business is in the bin, my rented house has a roof leak the landlord won't fix and I have to move out (and probably in with yet more strangers), my family think I'm making mountains out of molehills - it's really, really hard to get taken seriously. It feels impossible to find people who understand, but I'm guessing there's more than a few here so keep reaching out. Don't give up hope, just do the next thing next and do little nice things until you feel a bit better to make some plans? That's my aim anyway! You're not on your own with this, I promise