Feeling very down, isolated and hopeless

Hello friend.

Ultimately I can only second the reply that 'you are most definitely not alone'.  It is hard. Very hard. And I know just what you mean by not acting on 'that thought'.

I'm currently in my third week in hospital after I took a 'pre-' overdose. I say 'pre-' because it was my intention to take what I thought would be the 'final' overdose the following day. After reaching out to my ex, then phoning Samaritans, then telling my parents what I was about to do, it became clear that something was really wrong with me and that I inevitably needed professional help. 

Yet after three weeks 'in', I'm much closer to being discharged than I am to be given a diagnosis. I say this but the psychiatrist has alluded very strongly to the fact that I show signs of Asperger's (so, level 1 ASD). The sheer length of the referral naturally prolongs any closure on this but the prognosis seems to fit at least. I've been through a fair bit these past couple of years. I walked away from my marriage, entered into a relationship that caused friction between myself and my doting parents, made myself homeless and most recently have been rejected from my dream of training to be a teacher on mental health grounds. So just when I thought I was getting back on the rails, the latter rejection threw me right off and I wanted out. I just wanted out.

The scary thing, I've found, is that my suicidality comes through my rational brain more so than emotional despair. I feel the latter but don't know how to express it. Yet I can't end my life, partly because I am painfully indecisive (though also impulsive) and, of course, because I'm a good guy and I know it. I've got two small kids from my first marriage, two loving parents, a caring older brother and a few close friends who understand. 

Now, I don't know what your 'protective factors' (basically, what keeps you alive) are but I know, simply by reading your post this evening and wanting to reply to you, that I am not alone in wanting to reach out to you. I care because I know I do and I know what you are going through. I've been there - I haven't been there exactly as you have experienced, felt and endured it, but trust me, in my own unique way, I've been there too. My parents are too old to be worrying about me, my brother has his own family to put first, my children are young and live hundreds of miles away from me now with their mum (who I fortunately still get on well with). And the responsibility of having good, lasting friendships with similar souls terrifies me. (And social anxiety is as natural as breathing to me! ) So I know that I've got it all to live for. I don't know you, but I know that you also have so much to live for, even or especially if you don't know it yet. It will always be hard. I know it will be. I tell myself that the scars I've given myself through being on/off suicidal through most of my life and constantly beating myself up over things - being the victim of abuse, trauma and bullying...but this is the thing...I've been the one who has been abusing, traumatising and bullying myself. 

With low, low, low self-esteem and a very uncertain outlook on the future (to put it very mildly!) I'm going to keep doing this staying alive thing. I mean, I've got this far. I really want you to keep doing it do. Especially when it seems so pointless and so tough. Especially when there seems no logic in it, even. Something I've debated long and hard with myself, in my mind and in my prayers. It's on virtual places like here, at this moment of time and place, where I find my meaning and purpose in life. In wanting to reach out to you so so much at this moment. Precisely because you are you. You are struggling, you are lonely, you feel beaten. But you are never alone. I can't say that you will never feel isolated, down, hopeless. In fact, I'm sure you will. I'm sure I will and I'm pretty sure that 'practically' everyone who reads this will feel this way at some point or other. But never alone. I am with you and for you. My friends - your friends - here are with you and for you. Cheering you on all the way.

Love and support are so previous, so important. To have them in your life is to be forever guarded of them as you know, as you do now, what it feels like not to have them. I sympathise and I can empathise. I'm really hoping for you, Ange, that this period of time that you're enduring will pass, will get easier, will soften before it inevitably returns. But when it does return, know that in some deeper way it is happening to others in their own ways and by 'sharing' your pain in some way, we are each sharing our own. I find that right now, as I am writing to you and I hope you can feel it too. 

Ultimately I'm just a good guy who somehow managed to avoid making a very bad mistake. And I'm here now, writing to you. If you do manage to sleep, I wish you comfort through the frustration of life's trials. If you don't and you're seeing this now, be assured that I'm thinking of you. Dear Sister. I'm 38/m 'big bro'. And you take care now, you hear me. Right behind you with arm outstretched. Reach out.

Hello friend.

Ultimately I can only second the reply that 'you are most definitely not alone'.  It is hard. Very hard. And I know just what you mean by not acting on 'that thought'.

I'm currently in my third week in hospital after I took a 'pre-' overdose. I say 'pre-' because it was my intention to take what I thought would be the 'final' overdose the following day. After reaching out to my ex, then phoning Samaritans, then telling my parents what I was about to do, it became clear that something was really wrong with me and that I inevitably needed professional help. 

Yet after three weeks 'in', I'm much closer to being discharged than I am to be given a diagnosis. I say this but the psychiatrist has alluded very strongly to the fact that I show signs of Asperger's (so, level 1 ASD). The sheer length of the referral naturally prolongs any closure on this but the prognosis seems to fit at least. I've been through a fair bit these past couple of years. I walked away from my marriage, entered into a relationship that caused friction between myself and my doting parents, made myself homeless and most recently have been rejected from my dream of training to be a teacher on mental health grounds. So just when I thought I was getting back on the rails, the latter rejection threw me right off and I wanted out. I just wanted out.

The scary thing, I've found, is that my suicidality comes through my rational brain more so than emotional despair. I feel the latter but don't know how to express it. Yet I can't end my life, partly because I am painfully indecisive (though also impulsive) and, of course, because I'm a good guy and I know it. I've got two small kids from my first marriage, two loving parents, a caring older brother and a few close friends who understand. 

Now, I don't know what your 'protective factors' (basically, what keeps you alive) are but I know, simply by reading your post this evening and wanting to reply to you, that I am not alone in wanting to reach out to you. I care because I know I do and I know what you are going through. I've been there - I haven't been there exactly as you have experienced, felt and endured it, but trust me, in my own unique way, I've been there too. My parents are too old to be worrying about me, my brother has his own family to put first, my children are young and live hundreds of miles away from me now with their mum (who I fortunately still get on well with). And the responsibility of having good, lasting friendships with similar souls terrifies me. (And social anxiety is as natural as breathing to me! ) So I know that I've got it all to live for. I don't know you, but I know that you also have so much to live for, even or especially if you don't know it yet. It will always be hard. I know it will be. I tell myself that the scars I've given myself through being on/off suicidal through most of my life and constantly beating myself up over things - being the victim of abuse, trauma and bullying...but this is the thing...I've been the one who has been abusing, traumatising and bullying myself. 

With low, low, low self-esteem and a very uncertain outlook on the future (to put it very mildly!) I'm going to keep doing this staying alive thing. I mean, I've got this far. I really want you to keep doing it do. Especially when it seems so pointless and so tough. Especially when there seems no logic in it, even. Something I've debated long and hard with myself, in my mind and in my prayers. It's on virtual places like here, at this moment of time and place, where I find my meaning and purpose in life. In wanting to reach out to you so so much at this moment. Precisely because you are you. You are struggling, you are lonely, you feel beaten. But you are never alone. I can't say that you will never feel isolated, down, hopeless. In fact, I'm sure you will. I'm sure I will and I'm pretty sure that 'practically' everyone who reads this will feel this way at some point or other. But never alone. I am with you and for you. My friends - your friends - here are with you and for you. Cheering you on all the way.

Love and support are so previous, so important. To have them in your life is to be forever guarded of them as you know, as you do now, what it feels like not to have them. I sympathise and I can empathise. I'm really hoping for you, Ange, that this period of time that you're enduring will pass, will get easier, will soften before it inevitably returns. But when it does return, know that in some deeper way it is happening to others in their own ways and by 'sharing' your pain in some way, we are each sharing our own. I find that right now, as I am writing to you and I hope you can feel it too. 

Ultimately I'm just a good guy who somehow managed to avoid making a very bad mistake. And I'm here now, writing to you. If you do manage to sleep, I wish you comfort through the frustration of life's trials. If you don't and you're seeing this now, be assured that I'm thinking of you. Dear Sister. I'm 38/m 'big bro'. And you take care now, you hear me. Right behind you with arm outstretched. Reach out.

Hello! Just want you to know I really appreciate your kind words. I’m very glad to hear you’re going to continue the staying alive thing! Sadly I’m quite lacking in friends but I appreciate your message so much. Keeping this fairly short compared to yours but doesn’t mean I’m not grateful.  Your rational brain having the suicidal thoughts I can relate to…we are strong for fighting that well done you! Social anxiety gosh yes it’s rife isn’t it. I do find certain times I can mask it and get through…but not for long and then I need I hide in a corner or exit the building. You do sound like a very good guy and I’m glad to hear your parents are there for you. Thank you again for taking the time to share your story and reach out.  Hoping today is good to you!