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Loneliness amongst autistics and allistics

Kit

hi all

after spending most of my time alone i've recently joined a new sports team. i love the sport itself but i feel like i'm strugglling to connect with people. there are a lot of autistic people on the team that seem to find it easy to relate to each other, but i feel disconnected from them. i've always been a fan of my own company so i feel dumb for being sad to miss out on something i don't enjoy being a part of- i could join in these discussions whenever i wanted, and i find myself upset over the fact that i don't want to and don't enjoy them, more than i am actually sad about not being included. i know this is a choice on my part and a lot of why i choose to hold myself back is because i get overwhelmed quite easily and struggle to navigate conversation. it feels harder when this is the case around other autistic people, because i feel like if there's anyone i should be able to relate to, it will be them. many autistic people i know find being around other autistic people refreshing/a safe haven, but i can't find this anywhere, with any 'type' of people. i don't think there's really a solution to this, it's more a discomfort i know i will have to live with. but if anyone ever feels the same and wants to share their experience that would be nice.

i also struggle to tell when it is 'appropriate' to turn my attention away from the actual sport. i feel like im always concentrating on the actual sport when these conversations come about, and i don't detect the vibe change at all. 

it's quite ironic because i like being by myself and i don't feel bad about being alone until i see other people who aren't. it's difficult being jealous of something i will never be able to experience- it makes the actual jealousy a frustrating waste of time. 

trigger warning- brief mention of self harm, no detail

when i think about this i feel really sad and lonely, and it gives me thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. on the other hand, i know the reason i'm not more integrated is because i don't enjoy it. so why am i yearning for something that i'm not and something that i want? it makes me feel like something is fundementally wrong with me and that i will never be truly happy 

apologies for the many spelling mistakes :]

  • Sorry late to the convo but just really wanted to comment as this is me exactly. I naturally made the assumption that I would get along really well with other neurodivergents and have slowly come to the realisation that this isn't always the case! There might be a greater probability than neurotypicals though.

    I find myself relating most to the people that are complete outsiders... the people that get bullied and who are described as annoying. I am fairly self aware and good at masking so I never get bullied too bad, people are suspicious of me more than anything. I admire the people who are complete outcasts because they are usually the people that can't mask and I appreciate people who are "real" and true to themselves. They are exhibiting how I would be if I was not aware. I have learned to not be "cringe". 

    I used to really enjoy my own company and never even considered that I may not have many friends... I was blissfully unaware and naive. A long time has passed, I now understand what society values and I get sucked in to play along, even though I don't really care. Maybe deep down I'm thinking 'fake it until you make it' but we all know that's not how it works. Hope this kind of relates to you and that I haven't just gone off on a weird tangent!

  • in reply to Kit

    Yes that's it, that's what I try to remember when I have bad experiences out there. We can all come together on this forum and support each other. 

  • in reply to BeccaLovesBreakfast

    Ok so I didn't put the emojis in this comment and every time I try to edit them out, my comment gets flagged as spam, so that's why there's a stupid face emoji at the end)

  • in reply to Kit

    I mean, I guess everyone is different. Maybe the social aspect of things is not what they struggle with. Personally, I would give it a bit more time, and hopefully you will still be getting something out of the sport aspect and things will sort themselves out. And if you don't really enjoy the socialising then I suppose it's coming to terms with the fact that there will be some things you will miss out on, but it might not be what you need anyway. (Edit: hoping those stupid emojis don't appear again)Smile

  • in reply to JLyn

    Thank you, if I can't change anything at least I know there are other people like me

  • in reply to BeccaLovesBreakfast

    Some (most) of the autistic people have been in the team for a while but two of them are new alongside me and seem to be settling in faster

  • Hi Kit

    I struggle with groups but must admit that I don’t know many others like me so yet to try a group who are neurodivergent. 
    Do you think it could be the amount of people in the group? In a group setting I cannot keep up with the conversation or even think fast enough to contribute, this results in me just observing which makes me feel like a spare part. 
    I too like to be alone but we all must like some interaction as we are here to connect with each other. 

  • I find it difficult to socialise in groups. I can do it, but only for short times and it takes a lot out of me.

    I wonder, have the other autistic people on the team been together for a long time? If you have just recently joined then maybe it will just take a wee bit of time for you to be part of the group dynamic. 

    Saying this, I have struggled my whole life to fit in with any group or feel a part of it. This is probably more to do with me and my thoughts towards myself rather than necessarily any excluding behaviour from others. I find it very hard sometimes to remember that my friends are my friends and that they like me, not just tolerate me. If I feel that way about people who know and care about me, then what chance do I have of feeling like I 'belong' in a group of almost strangers.

  • What others have said, I find groups difficult, when to speak and what to say, the conversations seem to flip about all over the place, I too prefer my own company, other people can be so overwhelming

  • Hi Kit

    I find it difficult to relate to people when there is a large group, it's too overwhelming - I find it easier to communicate when there are just one or two others. So maybe you could try going for a coffee with just one or two from your team, in a quiet environment, and see how that goes.

  • I'm not going to lie, a lot of my own social isolation is because I choose to be that way.

  • Sorry for 3 replys stupid thing wouldn't post my messages so I kept pressing reply then all came at once lol

  • I am sorry you feel sad. I relate to some of what you say.  I feel lonely in a group of people  and wish I could communicate and socialise as I see them do. But I actually don't enjoy it at all and a lot of the time don't want to be with the people either. So I don't understand myself feeling upset about the whole thing. 

    I am glad to be part of this group, people who will understand me. So I can get why you feel upset that you can't be part of the autistic group in the team. But you do have this forum, so hopefully you can find support and some comfort on here and be part of this group for now. 

  • I am sorry you feel sad. I relate to some of what you say.  I feel lonely in a group of people  and wish I could communicate and socialise as I see them do. But I actually don't enjoy it at all and a lot of the time don't want to be with the people either. So I don't understand myself feeling upset about the whole thing. 

    I am glad to be part of this group, people who will understand me. So I can get why you feel upset that you can't be part of the autistic group in the team. But you do have this forum, so hopefully you can find support and some comfort on here and be part of this group for now. 

  • I am sorry you feel sad. I relate to some of what you say.  I feel lonely in a group of people  and wish I could communicate and socialise as I see them do. But I actually don't enjoy it at all and a lot of the time don't want to be with the people either. So I don't understand myself feeling upset about the whole thing. 

    I am glad to be part of this group, people who will understand me. So I can get why you feel upset that you can't be part of the autistic people in the team. But you do have this forum, so hopefully you can find support and some comfort on here and be part of this group for now.