hi all
after spending most of my time alone i've recently joined a new sports team. i love the sport itself but i feel like i'm strugglling to connect with people. there are a lot of autistic people on the team that seem to find it easy to relate to each other, but i feel disconnected from them. i've always been a fan of my own company so i feel dumb for being sad to miss out on something i don't enjoy being a part of- i could join in these discussions whenever i wanted, and i find myself upset over the fact that i don't want to and don't enjoy them, more than i am actually sad about not being included. i know this is a choice on my part and a lot of why i choose to hold myself back is because i get overwhelmed quite easily and struggle to navigate conversation. it feels harder when this is the case around other autistic people, because i feel like if there's anyone i should be able to relate to, it will be them. many autistic people i know find being around other autistic people refreshing/a safe haven, but i can't find this anywhere, with any 'type' of people. i don't think there's really a solution to this, it's more a discomfort i know i will have to live with. but if anyone ever feels the same and wants to share their experience that would be nice.
i also struggle to tell when it is 'appropriate' to turn my attention away from the actual sport. i feel like im always concentrating on the actual sport when these conversations come about, and i don't detect the vibe change at all.
it's quite ironic because i like being by myself and i don't feel bad about being alone until i see other people who aren't. it's difficult being jealous of something i will never be able to experience- it makes the actual jealousy a frustrating waste of time.
trigger warning- brief mention of self harm, no detail
when i think about this i feel really sad and lonely, and it gives me thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. on the other hand, i know the reason i'm not more integrated is because i don't enjoy it. so why am i yearning for something that i'm not and something that i want? it makes me feel like something is fundementally wrong with me and that i will never be truly happy
apologies for the many spelling mistakes :]
