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Loneliness amongst autistics and allistics

Kit

hi all

after spending most of my time alone i've recently joined a new sports team. i love the sport itself but i feel like i'm strugglling to connect with people. there are a lot of autistic people on the team that seem to find it easy to relate to each other, but i feel disconnected from them. i've always been a fan of my own company so i feel dumb for being sad to miss out on something i don't enjoy being a part of- i could join in these discussions whenever i wanted, and i find myself upset over the fact that i don't want to and don't enjoy them, more than i am actually sad about not being included. i know this is a choice on my part and a lot of why i choose to hold myself back is because i get overwhelmed quite easily and struggle to navigate conversation. it feels harder when this is the case around other autistic people, because i feel like if there's anyone i should be able to relate to, it will be them. many autistic people i know find being around other autistic people refreshing/a safe haven, but i can't find this anywhere, with any 'type' of people. i don't think there's really a solution to this, it's more a discomfort i know i will have to live with. but if anyone ever feels the same and wants to share their experience that would be nice.

i also struggle to tell when it is 'appropriate' to turn my attention away from the actual sport. i feel like im always concentrating on the actual sport when these conversations come about, and i don't detect the vibe change at all. 

it's quite ironic because i like being by myself and i don't feel bad about being alone until i see other people who aren't. it's difficult being jealous of something i will never be able to experience- it makes the actual jealousy a frustrating waste of time. 

trigger warning- brief mention of self harm, no detail

when i think about this i feel really sad and lonely, and it gives me thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. on the other hand, i know the reason i'm not more integrated is because i don't enjoy it. so why am i yearning for something that i'm not and something that i want? it makes me feel like something is fundementally wrong with me and that i will never be truly happy 

apologies for the many spelling mistakes :]

Parents

  • Sorry late to the convo but just really wanted to comment as this is me exactly. I naturally made the assumption that I would get along really well with other neurodivergents and have slowly come to the realisation that this isn't always the case! There might be a greater probability than neurotypicals though.

    I find myself relating most to the people that are complete outsiders... the people that get bullied and who are described as annoying. I am fairly self aware and good at masking so I never get bullied too bad, people are suspicious of me more than anything. I admire the people who are complete outcasts because they are usually the people that can't mask and I appreciate people who are "real" and true to themselves. They are exhibiting how I would be if I was not aware. I have learned to not be "cringe". 

    I used to really enjoy my own company and never even considered that I may not have many friends... I was blissfully unaware and naive. A long time has passed, I now understand what society values and I get sucked in to play along, even though I don't really care. Maybe deep down I'm thinking 'fake it until you make it' but we all know that's not how it works. Hope this kind of relates to you and that I haven't just gone off on a weird tangent!

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  • Sorry late to the convo but just really wanted to comment as this is me exactly. I naturally made the assumption that I would get along really well with other neurodivergents and have slowly come to the realisation that this isn't always the case! There might be a greater probability than neurotypicals though.

    I find myself relating most to the people that are complete outsiders... the people that get bullied and who are described as annoying. I am fairly self aware and good at masking so I never get bullied too bad, people are suspicious of me more than anything. I admire the people who are complete outcasts because they are usually the people that can't mask and I appreciate people who are "real" and true to themselves. They are exhibiting how I would be if I was not aware. I have learned to not be "cringe". 

    I used to really enjoy my own company and never even considered that I may not have many friends... I was blissfully unaware and naive. A long time has passed, I now understand what society values and I get sucked in to play along, even though I don't really care. Maybe deep down I'm thinking 'fake it until you make it' but we all know that's not how it works. Hope this kind of relates to you and that I haven't just gone off on a weird tangent!

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