Old trauma

For my trauma, I fantasize about a realization of a therapy modality based on the film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". It would take multiple sessions.

Meanwhile, in the real world, my GP is advocating for me to undergo ECT. When she brings this up, all I can think about is Randle P. McMurphy.

Roy, I'm so sorry you were abused. You are not alone.

Unfortunately, I was badly abused by several adults in my childhood. A few years ago, before my diagnosis, I made the mistake of looking up one of my abusers. I was horrified. He had recently received an award for 40 years' involvement in youth football. Hiding in plain sight. It made my stomach churn.

I have found no peace and don't expect to at this stage of my life. It ruined my life.

My heart goes out to all of us who have been abused. We did not deserve it. I have no advice, Sorry.

I don’t really have any advice, I was badly abused by an adult when I was a child, I also don’t want to look for justice, the person is now either dead or very old, I would still feel too much shame in making it public and going to court. That’s just my personal preference.

It wasn’t until I realised I’m autistic that it resurfaced, I had buried it and just pretend it hadn’t happened.

I started reading about autism and how autistic people are more likely to be abused and can be too trusting, it just started bringing it all back again, I was having flashbacks but now I’m armed with the knowledge that it wasn’t my fault. I personally haven’t gone down the therapy or counselling route, if it works for you then please do so. What happened to me was over 40 years ago, your trauma is much more recent. I have told my wife and know that even if I didn’t understand the rules, they did, they was an adult. I hope you find your peace.

Sorry to hear this, I don't have any ideas on how to help but the other people posting here have some good ideas which I hope have helped you. Maybe just be honest with your employer and ask for support. I wish you well.x

I could be PTSD, or it could be a post traumatic reaction, I wouldn't be to quick to decide PTSD is going to be with you for life as it may not be once you've dealt with this trauma. I think autists are more likely to suffer PTSD maybe because of the way we tend to feel things more deeply and/or internalise them more, I don't know. I wonder if because even when undiagnosed we tend to monitor what we're feeling and acting and how we act upon how we feel than NT's we notice much more when things are really not right? But, over the years I've been around a lot of traumatised people and whilst there are commonalities in how people behave when faced with certain traumas, NT's are just as likely to deal with in the same way as Autists, in some ways I think autists may deal with it a bit better once engaged with the healing process, because we're more used to looking inward and adapting ourselves to new realities and circumstances.

Therapy with a trauma specialist 

I ignored mine for 3 decades, despite it regularly resurfacing and causing me lots of problems, but now I'm 6 months or so in and definitely making improvements

Thank you, I’m living in Germany, my colleague from work helped me he set up an appointment for me with a social worker, who is trained in psychology and has long experience. She said I need a psychiatrist and psychologist. She noted the tests I made and said I’m probably both - autistic and PTSD

Thank you for your answer. Now I know I’m not alone or crazy. I red, it’s called delayed onset PTSD and PTSD  is more likely to autistic and neurodivergent people than the general population. 

Alienatedhuman said:

I wish I had my memory cleared out of this. I don’t want any justice, I don’t care about having the perpetrator imprisoned, I just need peace.

I'm with TheCatWoman on this - the trauma will retain its power until it is dragged out into the light, examined (or unpacked in therapy terms) and you get to understand it, accept it and often to forgive yourself or the perpetrator so it can be laid to rest.

Just make sure whatever therapist you use is well versed in dealing with autists and trauma - these skills are needed to get the results you are after.

Good luck.

This is really difficult, I've had a similar experience of long buried trauma resurfacing, I had some help from my GP, who said I needed to treat it as if it were happening now and not some years previously, you're definately not going mad. I think these things come up at a time when you're in a safe enough place to deal with them, so thats a good thing, even if it feels very much the opposite. I think you should consider some counselling, maybe with someone who deals with whatever trauma you went through specifically? In the mean time, remember the samaritans are on the end of a phone day and night and will listen, you may find keeping a journal/diary of what you're feeling helpful, get it all out in black and white. You can emerge from this much stronger, you can learn to put it behind you, whist what you experienced will never go away, it can live in the past where it belongs and dosen't have to intrude onto your life now and in the future.

Whatever the trauma was whoever caused it, you deserve to give yourself the time to fully process what happened, don't let them win by giving in, summon all the stubborness that got you out of that situation and in the good place you were in until very recently and use it to get healed, do it out of spite if nessercary.

When you cry without reason, there is a reason, you're grieving for yourself, for the person who had to endure that trauma, it's a normal and natural reaction. The same with the anxiety, I think you're feeling now what maybe you couldn't feel then, again perfectly normal and natural.

Any therapist or counsellor worth the name will be used to dealing with repressed trauma resurfacing, so don't worry on that front.

(((hugs)))

You are definitely NOT going insane. It breaks my heart to read this. You do need to talk about this, but not in a way that makes it worse. I don't know how you do this where you live, but a therapist that deals with (or has much experience with) autistics would help.

I have had traumas hit me years later too. I doubt that mine will be anywhere near as bad, but at first I've just been glad to not be in that situation any more, then a few years later came the anger that I was ever in that situation, and then comes the rumination.

It takes a while to find a therapist that you trust. Most offer a shorter free introductory session to find out if there is chemistry. There is the expense, but that could be viewed as an investment.

I know exactly how you feel in that you'd just prefer to have that whole episode wiped from your brain with a laser beam or something.

Perhaps you could set a time and a place to look into your trauma, and release some of the bottled up emotions you have inside, and at any point in time, you could always stop looking into the trauma and take a break, if you feel overwhelmed by it. Just concentrate on processing small areas of the trauma, rather than the whole thing at once. 

I mean if you repress trauma and bottle it up on the inside, it'll bubble out from time to time, at times when it's inconvenient and you don't want it to. So when you set a time and a place for the trauma, at least you have blocked out a time when it's convenient for you to release some of it, so it's not cluttering you as much anymore, and if you have other things going on, you can at least wait a little longer.  I've told myself "I'll be home in 2 hours, that's when I can cry and stuff, but not now! I've got important things to do!"

Hello Alienatedhuman,

I'm sorry to read that you are experiencing signs of anxiety. The NAS website has many articles on anxiety - including one about Anxiety in Autistic People by Dr. Jacqui Rogers. If you type the word 'anxiety' in the NAS website search box, you'll find many more articles that will help you deal with it.

All the best,

Karin Mod