Old trauma hitting hard. Being mindful of other users probably also fragile mental health I will not mention any details of what I went through. These horrible things happened 10 years ago. After that I started normal life as if nothing ever happened. I’ve got a job (in McDonald’s) after some time decided to do something more with my life to open more opportunities for myself. So I started studying logistics and graduated with high scores. During that time the trauma was almost invisible (for me) for others was invisible at all. At least that’s what I can say based on their reactions and opinions, that I’m my quirky and funny self like always. But deep down there was the deeply wounded me, buried under ashes, hidden in a hole, almost forgotten. But unfortunately only almost. I wish I had my memory cleared out of this. I don’t want any justice, I don’t care about having the perpetrator imprisoned, I just need peace. I feared that one day this my wounded self will wake up and stand up from the ashes. And it’s happening now. I’m kinda processing old trauma with a delay. I alienate myself more than usual, speaking to others is painful for me. The only person who understands me is my colleague at work. I often cry and can’t even identify the reason. Can’t calm down either. It’s exhausting, happens also at work. I’m worried, that for this reason I could lose my job, although my colleagues are satisfied with my work and they told me honestly they wanna keep me, I’m also afraid of possible gossips in the company. Like always I’m worried about everything and getting anxious. Recently my tolerance to environment, stimuli is even lower than usual. Is it possible, that old trauma is hitting me only now, after a decade, till now I was relatively fine, or am I just going insane? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.
