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Old trauma

Alienatedhuman

Old trauma hitting hard. Being mindful of other users probably also fragile mental health I will not mention any details of what I went through. These horrible things happened 10 years ago. After that I started normal life as if nothing ever happened. I’ve got a job (in McDonald’s) after some time decided to do something more with my life to open more opportunities for myself. So I started studying logistics and graduated with high scores. During that time the trauma was almost invisible (for me) for others was invisible at all. At least that’s what I can say based on their reactions and opinions, that I’m my quirky and funny self like always. But deep down there was the deeply wounded me, buried under ashes, hidden in a hole, almost forgotten. But unfortunately only almost. I wish I had my memory cleared out of this. I don’t want any justice, I don’t care about having the perpetrator imprisoned, I just need peace. I feared that one day this my wounded self will wake up and stand up from the ashes. And it’s happening now. I’m kinda processing old trauma with a delay. I alienate myself more than usual, speaking to others is painful for me. The only person who understands me is my colleague at work. I often cry and can’t even identify the reason. Can’t calm down either. It’s exhausting, happens also at work. I’m worried, that for this reason I could lose my job, although my colleagues are satisfied with my work and they told me honestly they wanna keep me, I’m also afraid of possible gossips in the company. Like always I’m worried about everything and getting anxious. Recently my tolerance to environment, stimuli is even lower than usual. Is it possible, that old trauma is hitting me only now, after a decade, till now I was relatively fine, or am I just going insane? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. 

Parents

  • This is really difficult, I've had a similar experience of long buried trauma resurfacing, I had some help from my GP, who said I needed to treat it as if it were happening now and not some years previously, you're definately not going mad. I think these things come up at a time when you're in a safe enough place to deal with them, so thats a good thing, even if it feels very much the opposite. I think you should consider some counselling, maybe with someone who deals with whatever trauma you went through specifically? In the mean time, remember the samaritans are on the end of a phone day and night and will listen, you may find keeping a journal/diary of what you're feeling helpful, get it all out in black and white. You can emerge from this much stronger, you can learn to put it behind you, whist what you experienced will never go away, it can live in the past where it belongs and dosen't have to intrude onto your life now and in the future.

    Whatever the trauma was whoever caused it, you deserve to give yourself the time to fully process what happened, don't let them win by giving in, summon all the stubborness that got you out of that situation and in the good place you were in until very recently and use it to get healed, do it out of spite if nessercary.

    When you cry without reason, there is a reason, you're grieving for yourself, for the person who had to endure that trauma, it's a normal and natural reaction. The same with the anxiety, I think you're feeling now what maybe you couldn't feel then, again perfectly normal and natural.

    Any therapist or counsellor worth the name will be used to dealing with repressed trauma resurfacing, so don't worry on that front.

    (((hugs)))

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Thank you for your answer. Now I know I’m not alone or crazy. I red, it’s called delayed onset PTSD and PTSD  is more likely to autistic and neurodivergent people than the general population. 

Reply Children
  • in reply to Alienatedhuman

    I could be PTSD, or it could be a post traumatic reaction, I wouldn't be to quick to decide PTSD is going to be with you for life as it may not be once you've dealt with this trauma. I think autists are more likely to suffer PTSD maybe because of the way we tend to feel things more deeply and/or internalise them more, I don't know. I wonder if because even when undiagnosed we tend to monitor what we're feeling and acting and how we act upon how we feel than NT's we notice much more when things are really not right? But, over the years I've been around a lot of traumatised people and whilst there are commonalities in how people behave when faced with certain traumas, NT's are just as likely to deal with in the same way as Autists, in some ways I think autists may deal with it a bit better once engaged with the healing process, because we're more used to looking inward and adapting ourselves to new realities and circumstances.