Published on 12, July, 2020
Old trauma hitting hard. Being mindful of other users probably also fragile mental health I will not mention any details of what I went through. These horrible things happened 10 years ago. After that I started normal life as if nothing ever happened. I’ve got a job (in McDonald’s) after some time decided to do something more with my life to open more opportunities for myself. So I started studying logistics and graduated with high scores. During that time the trauma was almost invisible (for me) for others was invisible at all. At least that’s what I can say based on their reactions and opinions, that I’m my quirky and funny self like always. But deep down there was the deeply wounded me, buried under ashes, hidden in a hole, almost forgotten. But unfortunately only almost. I wish I had my memory cleared out of this. I don’t want any justice, I don’t care about having the perpetrator imprisoned, I just need peace. I feared that one day this my wounded self will wake up and stand up from the ashes. And it’s happening now. I’m kinda processing old trauma with a delay. I alienate myself more than usual, speaking to others is painful for me. The only person who understands me is my colleague at work. I often cry and can’t even identify the reason. Can’t calm down either. It’s exhausting, happens also at work. I’m worried, that for this reason I could lose my job, although my colleagues are satisfied with my work and they told me honestly they wanna keep me, I’m also afraid of possible gossips in the company. Like always I’m worried about everything and getting anxious. Recently my tolerance to environment, stimuli is even lower than usual. Is it possible, that old trauma is hitting me only now, after a decade, till now I was relatively fine, or am I just going insane? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.
I don’t really have any advice, I was badly abused by an adult when I was a child, I also don’t want to look for justice, the person is now either dead or very old, I would still feel too much shame in making it public and going to court. That’s just my personal preference.
It wasn’t until I realised I’m autistic that it resurfaced, I had buried it and just pretend it hadn’t happened.
I started reading about autism and how autistic people are more likely to be abused and can be too trusting, it just started bringing it all back again, I was having flashbacks but now I’m armed with the knowledge that it wasn’t my fault. I personally haven’t gone down the therapy or counselling route, if it works for you then please do so. What happened to me was over 40 years ago, your trauma is much more recent. I have told my wife and know that even if I didn’t understand the rules, they did, they was an adult. I hope you find your peace.
Roy, I'm so sorry you were abused. You are not alone.
Unfortunately, I was badly abused by several adults in my childhood. A few years ago, before my diagnosis, I made the mistake of looking up one of my abusers. I was horrified. He had recently received an award for 40 years' involvement in youth football. Hiding in plain sight. It made my stomach churn.
I have found no peace and don't expect to at this stage of my life. It ruined my life.
My heart goes out to all of us who have been abused. We did not deserve it. I have no advice, Sorry.
For my trauma, I fantasize about a realization of a therapy modality based on the film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". It would take multiple sessions.
Meanwhile, in the real world, my GP is advocating for me to undergo ECT. When she brings this up, all I can think about is Randle P. McMurphy.