Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm in my late 20s. I used to feel somewhat in control but now I feel like every single movement, breath, emotion etc is being controlled by those around me.
I may as well lock myself in a dark room all day. It seems I'm a problem whenever I do anything beyond existing. Heck, even existing is a problem.
I act out to make a point, even more than I did. As recently as a few days ago, I went 24 hours without food and drink (bar rinsing my mouth a few times). I had every intention of keeping that up, and/or becoming a missing person.
I'm regressing and I can't stop it.
Hey HMO,
This sounds so frightening. Here if you need to chat, but just wondering if you have any other support in place, anyone else that knows about what you're going through? The decision you took to post here feels like a really powerful challenge to the control others have over you in so much of the rest of your life, and I admire that. Keep going - it can be so lonely, but you can always come here to connect
I have a therapist and a friend, plus someone else I talk to (just in an acquaintance setting) but that's about it. It seems to be almost impossible to get it across to others.
I post about it in some Reddit communities just to get it off my chest. I've talked about the root cause of it on here many times, again just to get it off my chest.
On Monday just gone, I drove to London (which is 2 hours from where I am) in part of my attempt to challenge that feeling of control. I went planespotting, because that's something I wanted to do and chose to do, and it was an attempt at fighting against any perceived threat in my head where someone's saying "you're not allowed to do anything you want".
I do put the root cause down to a massive group of internet users who, indirectly, declared my life over and decided that I don't deserve to live. No one defended me.
I'm glad you have a couple of supportive connections, but it does sound, understandably, like you want more. Again I think it takes a lot to push against the control in the ways you're doing. And that sounds horrific about what happened with the internet users. I haven't been on this forum in ages so I haven't seen your other posts - if you want to say more, even if just to keep geffting it off your chest, please do. No pressure of course, whatever feels right (if you know what feels right - I know that can be hard to tune into)
I just feel like I need people actively fighting my corner. It's all well and good someone saying "it's not true what other people think about you, you're not a bad person" but I'm like, I need something that's actually tangible.
Something that I can fully believe, factually. I don't have that. It was so forceful, other autistic people deciding that an autistic person who screws up is no longer autistic, and the fact that it just went on and on. It's like they wouldn't have been happy until I was off the face of the earth.
Learning that the individual who kicked it all off later leaked someone's IP address onto Twitter didn't change anything.