Published on 12, July, 2020
Where to begin...
I have a ten year old son who is autistic and highly functioning. He struggles with anxiety and confidence. I love him dearly.
My wife has just received her diagnosis. She too is highly functioning. I love her dearly.
My wife's diagnosis has answered a lot of questions for her. I'm genuinely happy for her that this is the case, she has been through a lot.
We met about 15 years ago. I don't know exactly how long it took me to fall in love with her, but I do know that after the first 5 minutes together my life changed entirely, so let's split the difference and say 2 1/2 minutes.
Our early relationship was incredible. We decided to start a family, which required relocating for both of us. We are both quite successful in our careers, but I had recently won a pretty big promotion so we followed my work.
Life went on, the pandemic passed. My wife helped me through an exceptionally tough time at work. Long story short, she saved my life. Shortly after, my wife lost her mother. It was a very tough few years for her. The pandemic passed, we decided we wanted more room and a bigger garden, so moved house.
Then everything changed.
My wife began to exert control over everything, which given what she had been through I completely understand. Intimacy and contact faded as time passed. We sleep in separate rooms. Any emotional connection seems lost and we exist on an almost entirely functional level.
For a long time I told myself that we could rebuild or reconnect, but following her diagnosis I don't see this being possible. I think her withdrawal makes perfect sense in light of her diagnosis and the challenges of the last few years.
Please understand that I am not a selfish person. I worked myself to the point of suicide to provide for my family, and my last vaguely rational act during the dark times was to make sure that my life insurance policy would still provide for them. I don't expect life to be a bed of roses. I will do anything for my family.
But....I am feeling so isolated and lonely it's unbearable. My wife's diagnosis is very important for her and I'm happy that it helps her. But I can't help feeling that we have been cheated of the future we worked so hard to build.
Where can I / we go for help? This is really, really hard.
I’m so sorry - that must be so difficult for both of you. It sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and change in your lives and that can have a big and very negative impact on a relationship. However if both of you still want to make your relationship work it’s possible to rebuild the closeness - as long as you both have the motivation to try. Ultimately you need to have a long and very honest talk with your wife about how you both feel and what you both want for the future. Make it clear to your wife that you still love her but be open about how unhappy you are feeling at the moment. If she is a compassionate person she will try to understand how you feel. I’m a Buddhist and have learned about the teachings on ‘deep listening and loving speech’ and ‘beginning anew’ (if you go on YouTube and search ‘Thich Nhat Hanh Deep listening and loving speech’ or ‘Plum Village Beginning anew’ this advice is readily available) - it’s very helpful when dealing with relationships of any kind that have developed problems. It really IS possible to repair if you follow these principles (that aren’t religious in nature - they are more about how to build positive relationships and leave the past behind) - in that you truly listen to the other person without judgement and with love and forgiveness for whatever has happened in the past. It’s not religious advice - it’s simply about the ability to restore peace and trust in relationships that have hit difficulties. Essentially to have love between people you need to really understand each other - and it’s about reconnecting and restoring that closeness you once had together. Trust is very important in a relationship - do you still feel there is trust between you? And good communication? Are you open with each other about how you both feel? I wish you well and I hope you can find a way through this and both be happy. It sounds like your relationship has been wonderful in the past and I hope you can make it work,