Published on 12, July, 2020
Where to begin...
I have a ten year old son who is autistic and highly functioning. He struggles with anxiety and confidence. I love him dearly.
My wife has just received her diagnosis. She too is highly functioning. I love her dearly.
My wife's diagnosis has answered a lot of questions for her. I'm genuinely happy for her that this is the case, she has been through a lot.
We met about 15 years ago. I don't know exactly how long it took me to fall in love with her, but I do know that after the first 5 minutes together my life changed entirely, so let's split the difference and say 2 1/2 minutes.
Our early relationship was incredible. We decided to start a family, which required relocating for both of us. We are both quite successful in our careers, but I had recently won a pretty big promotion so we followed my work.
Life went on, the pandemic passed. My wife helped me through an exceptionally tough time at work. Long story short, she saved my life. Shortly after, my wife lost her mother. It was a very tough few years for her. The pandemic passed, we decided we wanted more room and a bigger garden, so moved house.
Then everything changed.
My wife began to exert control over everything, which given what she had been through I completely understand. Intimacy and contact faded as time passed. We sleep in separate rooms. Any emotional connection seems lost and we exist on an almost entirely functional level.
For a long time I told myself that we could rebuild or reconnect, but following her diagnosis I don't see this being possible. I think her withdrawal makes perfect sense in light of her diagnosis and the challenges of the last few years.
Please understand that I am not a selfish person. I worked myself to the point of suicide to provide for my family, and my last vaguely rational act during the dark times was to make sure that my life insurance policy would still provide for them. I don't expect life to be a bed of roses. I will do anything for my family.
But....I am feeling so isolated and lonely it's unbearable. My wife's diagnosis is very important for her and I'm happy that it helps her. But I can't help feeling that we have been cheated of the future we worked so hard to build.
Where can I / we go for help? This is really, really hard.
Hi and welcome
I am very sorry to hear of your situation. For you to put this out there tells me that it is important to you to keep your family together and to find a direction to go in together. I think from what you have described you have been amazingly supportive of your partners diagnosis which has perhaps been difficult for you both. Equally you mentioned that your partner was there for you at a very difficult time in your life. As others have said communication is so important here weather that’s by yourselves or like some suggestions using a couples therapy service. I am also going through a similar situation in my marriage and I totally understand how your partner may need time by themselves from time to time.
I do wish you all the best and take care