Published on 12, July, 2020
Where to begin...
I have a ten year old son who is autistic and highly functioning. He struggles with anxiety and confidence. I love him dearly.
My wife has just received her diagnosis. She too is highly functioning. I love her dearly.
My wife's diagnosis has answered a lot of questions for her. I'm genuinely happy for her that this is the case, she has been through a lot.
We met about 15 years ago. I don't know exactly how long it took me to fall in love with her, but I do know that after the first 5 minutes together my life changed entirely, so let's split the difference and say 2 1/2 minutes.
Our early relationship was incredible. We decided to start a family, which required relocating for both of us. We are both quite successful in our careers, but I had recently won a pretty big promotion so we followed my work.
Life went on, the pandemic passed. My wife helped me through an exceptionally tough time at work. Long story short, she saved my life. Shortly after, my wife lost her mother. It was a very tough few years for her. The pandemic passed, we decided we wanted more room and a bigger garden, so moved house.
Then everything changed.
My wife began to exert control over everything, which given what she had been through I completely understand. Intimacy and contact faded as time passed. We sleep in separate rooms. Any emotional connection seems lost and we exist on an almost entirely functional level.
For a long time I told myself that we could rebuild or reconnect, but following her diagnosis I don't see this being possible. I think her withdrawal makes perfect sense in light of her diagnosis and the challenges of the last few years.
Please understand that I am not a selfish person. I worked myself to the point of suicide to provide for my family, and my last vaguely rational act during the dark times was to make sure that my life insurance policy would still provide for them. I don't expect life to be a bed of roses. I will do anything for my family.
But....I am feeling so isolated and lonely it's unbearable. My wife's diagnosis is very important for her and I'm happy that it helps her. But I can't help feeling that we have been cheated of the future we worked so hard to build.
Where can I / we go for help? This is really, really hard.
Hi and welcome to the community
I'm really sorry to hear of your and your wife's struggles.
It sounds like you might both benefit from couples therapy or counselling with an ASD-experienced professional. Is this something that you think your wife might be open to?
You might be able to find someone suitable in the NAS Autism Services Directory. Other options include searching via the BACP or Psychology Today websites. I haven't also linked to them, as posting too many links at once can cause posts to get quarantined for moderator approval and it's late on Friday. :)
I'll also suggest the following book, perhaps to read before and/or alongside therapy / counselling. It aims to help autistic / neurotypical (which I'm assuming includes you) couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises for you both to do and discuss.
Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner - Paperback - 3 May 2012 - by Cindy Ariel
(It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now diagnosed as Autism Spectrum Disorder). Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the gender pronouns around. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can become confusing at times and I find it very frustrating, as I keep needing to check / remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the trouble is worth the effort, I feel.
The NAS also has some related advice here:
Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people