Published on 12, July, 2020
I've always been quite, though not totally, asocial. A lot of the time I'm fine by myself, though happy to see family. Periodically I've made the attempt to more be social, as that's seen as a part of recovery from a SMI. All have been varying degrees of a failure. The last attempt was over 5 years ago. A small group at the local library run by someone who described himself as a 'radical social worker'. I struggle to initiate conversations, but responded to others comments as best I could. It went down like a lead balloon. Everyone else was getting on great with each other. The thing that made me not attend the group again was being mocked by the 'radical social worker' when I paid for the refreshment I'd had. I'd paid the same as a woman had, 5minutes or so before me. She hadn't been mocked.
I made the conscious then not to attempt more socialising. Subsequent events made it difficult to do so anyway = lower back pain,Covid, reduced mobility after a couple of falls. Still get pain 31 months after a partial hip replacement. Haven't been out on my own for nearly 4 years now.
I do better online, but that's in comparison to very poor socialising IRL.
Like you I've pretty much given up socialising, every time I do start socialising I get the heebie jeebies, reach near melt down going over every word that was said multiple times looking for hidden meaning or if I was accidently rude. It's exhausting and takes the joy out of it, even a simple dog walk in the park, becomes a social obstacle course.
It dosen't help that I have quite a restricted diet and I don't drink alcohol, I also find sitting in restaurant chairs extremely painful after about 15 mins, I get claustrophobic in cinemas and theatres and my legs are too long for the space.
I do go out on my own, I do almost everything on my own, I think thats part of the problem, my interests are different to many of the people I meet, I find it difficult to have anything in common with them, most of the people I know wouldn't go to a museum or art gallery.
I'm actually quite good with banter and can give as good as I get or better. But the line between banter and bullying is quite fine, especially when bullies use banter as an excuse to gas light and put you down in front of others, knowing you can't fight back.
It can be lonely not having people to do stuff with, but I'm an only child and only children learn to be self suffiecient quite young, but I'm not as lonely now as I have been at times, when I've been surrounded by people, who I don't understand, who don't understand me and don't want to and want to "normalise" me.
Now that I understand why, may I comment without violating rule 5 that I have found some of your posts a little "needlessly confrontational" in the past?
The explanation being, that in your recent posts expressing not "politics" but your own experiences and opinions you've mirrored an awful lot of my own thinking, experiences etc.
If you are indeed someone lucky enough to own a cat and can get past my only intermittenlty hilarious title, I'd like to see a nice picture of your cat, or cats. It's the most purely "unifying" thing I've ever managed.
"owned"
Sorry if I come across as confrontational, sometimes I don't mean too, others I do.
I think you're an older person like me, I'm 62, so some of our experiences will be similar because of that.
I do have the pleasure of being owned by 2 cats although 1 is part time as he goes off wandering, his latest wander has lasted two months and counting. Not having a camera or the means and knowlege to post a picture I can't oblige you.
Stay crispy and cool.