Published on 12, July, 2020
And I've been diagnosed for 18 years.
I didn't think I'd ever get to a stage where my younger brother coughing loudly, though he can't help it, would give me the urge to attack him, but that's where we are.
I'm sensitive to background noise anyway, but if I was annoyed with people playing TikTok on their phone while I'm watching TV four years ago, I dread to imagine what I'd do when that happens now.
For a number of reasons, I take on a state of paralysis almost when I'm angry. I don't want to distract myself, I just want to be angry. I think I like the adrenaline of it.
I'm trying to uncover it during therapy. I know I express it inwardly, not outwardly. So much has happened in my life that I consider to be unfair, but I'm at that stage where I fabricate things (almost deliberately) to fuel that adrenaline.
For example, I will, while I'm in that angry state, interpret someone who I fell out with in the past as "wanting me off the face of the earth". Mind you, it doesn't help that I went through something where that exactly happened; for four days, the entire world wanted me out.
My cultural background almost doesn't bother to acknowledge the fact disabled people exist which doesn't help with relatives in their 50s who are woefully annoyed that I'm not normal.
Tbh, I am going to be frank with the post topic I expected it might have something to do with assimilating changed behaviour. I myself am being pro active to try and avoid this happening to me. I feel it might happen online and reading a lot of information on some Autistic behaviour which can change some people’s behaviour may be affected. It might be a learning experience for some people. I don't want to increase areas of behaviour for me so I am aware. Also, I have read of things like children when diagnosed who wasn't having tantrums start now using their autism as an excuse and having them to get what they would like. May be the power of suggestion can be influential. I am pro autism but not adopting others behaviours that may be challenging that I don't have like say at a boarding school things can be learned. I try and mix up what I read where I can. I think I noticed it was affecting me mentally a bit, so I took a step back a bit from the internet itself to be careful and it works out well now. We can be vulnerable to suggestion, try and look out for yourselves.