Published on 12, July, 2020
And I've been diagnosed for 18 years.
I didn't think I'd ever get to a stage where my younger brother coughing loudly, though he can't help it, would give me the urge to attack him, but that's where we are.
I'm sensitive to background noise anyway, but if I was annoyed with people playing TikTok on their phone while I'm watching TV four years ago, I dread to imagine what I'd do when that happens now.
For a number of reasons, I take on a state of paralysis almost when I'm angry. I don't want to distract myself, I just want to be angry. I think I like the adrenaline of it.
I'm trying to uncover it during therapy. I know I express it inwardly, not outwardly. So much has happened in my life that I consider to be unfair, but I'm at that stage where I fabricate things (almost deliberately) to fuel that adrenaline.
For example, I will, while I'm in that angry state, interpret someone who I fell out with in the past as "wanting me off the face of the earth". Mind you, it doesn't help that I went through something where that exactly happened; for four days, the entire world wanted me out.
My cultural background almost doesn't bother to acknowledge the fact disabled people exist which doesn't help with relatives in their 50s who are woefully annoyed that I'm not normal.
HMO said:I didn't think I'd ever get to a stage where my younger brother coughing loudly, though he can't help it, would give me the urge to attack him, but that's where we are.
I think what has changed here is your level of tolerance, You have built up resentment at the noise over time and it is getting to the point where you sometimes with harm on him.
My therapist calls this "stamp collecting". It is like when you get a card in a coffee shop and you get a stamp each time you get a coffee - but instead of coffee it is a coughing fit that annoys you. Once you have had enough, your card if full and you need to cash it in - ie explode at your brother when he is just doing what he did the last 10 times
The accumulation of resentment can be negated by learning to forgive the transgressions and this technique needs to be tailored to the person so I would take it up with your therapist before your brother ends up with a hot venti dropped in his lap metaphorically.
HMO said:I'm trying to uncover it during therapy. I know I express it inwardly, not outwardly
Write it down. Refine the description again and again until it feels right, comprehensive and articulated then give it to your therapist.
HMO said:My cultural background almost doesn't bother to acknowledge the fact disabled people exist
Then learn to stop caring about their lack of care - you can't change them so get your therapist to teach you how to switch of the "give a frock" button and stop them annoying you. Forgive them their failings (because this is really their lack of education and empathy) and let them know you don't care about their opinions.
Have you considered changing therapist? You don't seem to be making much progress from what you have posted these last months.