Published on 12, July, 2020
And I've been diagnosed for 18 years.
I didn't think I'd ever get to a stage where my younger brother coughing loudly, though he can't help it, would give me the urge to attack him, but that's where we are.
I'm sensitive to background noise anyway, but if I was annoyed with people playing TikTok on their phone while I'm watching TV four years ago, I dread to imagine what I'd do when that happens now.
For a number of reasons, I take on a state of paralysis almost when I'm angry. I don't want to distract myself, I just want to be angry. I think I like the adrenaline of it.
I'm trying to uncover it during therapy. I know I express it inwardly, not outwardly. So much has happened in my life that I consider to be unfair, but I'm at that stage where I fabricate things (almost deliberately) to fuel that adrenaline.
For example, I will, while I'm in that angry state, interpret someone who I fell out with in the past as "wanting me off the face of the earth". Mind you, it doesn't help that I went through something where that exactly happened; for four days, the entire world wanted me out.
My cultural background almost doesn't bother to acknowledge the fact disabled people exist which doesn't help with relatives in their 50s who are woefully annoyed that I'm not normal.
I have the same problem.
Things seem to have got steadily worse and more challenging to me ever since my diagosis or joining this forum...
NOT that I blame the forum or anyone on it, but I suspect that immersing myself in Autism, for nearly five years hasn't been good for me.
The idea has occurred to me to rebrand myself as "a little eccentric" which is generally perceived as less challenging than Autism, and stop leanring about Autism altogether.
I've found that listening seems to take up an awful lot of (for want of a better term) CPU cycles, and sounds with sharp rise times are particularly infuriating.
*snip* Editted out example of me reacting badly to short sharp noises, as it was a one off act done during a time of great stress (and TBH actual existential fear), and whilst it worked well it wasn't at all Christian, (or reasonable IMO) and definitely should not be emulated.