Published on 12, July, 2020
People say I am not an alcoholic. I think they must be deluded. I have been known to drink before going to groups etc. don’t get me wrong it helps in the moment. But should I be doing it? Probably not. Should I be lying to people? No. But it feels like I can’t help it. It makes me feel so good in the moment. I am like someone who loves chocolate and can’t stop themselves from eating it. Except I don’t really care for chocolate. Alcohol is my chocolate. It puts my mind at ease and relaxes my body which is usually flooded with stress and discomfort. I’ve yet to find my own alternative to alcohol. I sought help and they told me ‘you’re not an alcoholic’ ‘you just like a drink like everyone else’ and discharged me. I am not dissing them or anything but I don’t know am I an alcoholic? If I am drinking before social events and hiding it does that not automatically make me an alcoholic? Why do people think there is nothing wrong with me when I feel that there is? These are all some of the questions I ask myself. I defos think I am an alcoholic but everyone else thinks I am normal and don’t have a problem. Life is strange. It’s like I am getting the okay to drink from everyone. Can’t be right though I am going back to the doctor! I just have the feeling in my heart that I am not supposed to drink and that I need help. The help I believe I need is anticonvulsants as I do tend to get fits when I am in bed trying to sleep it’s pretty worriesome. But again I am the only person worried about it. Everyone says it’s fine just leave it! But I am not crazy I know I am right in my heart!
A lot of the posts on this resonate with me too.
I always drank a lot when younger, after moving to an office job 20 years back I had to stop drinking on nights when I had work the next day as I couldn't function well. I also ended up on call a lot so that meant I couldn't drink as much.
For many years I just kept it to weekends, it was still unhealthy as I couldn't do a weekend without, it became a ritual.
More recently I've tried to stop drinking at home and just drink socially. I've broken the habit of the "must have a beer on Friday and Saturday".
The big problem for me has two sides, I would be scared to death of a social event without alcohol to help me be ok, it shuts out the noise of my mind a bit and stops me being as self conscious. But on the other hand I feel suicidal, anxious and depressed for a few days after drinking. Once I've had a couple I find it extremely hard to stop, I usually end up regretting how much I drank and very often have passed out asleep and don't remember big chunks of the night.
Not really sure what to do, I'd be better off without it but I'd struggle socialising even more than I do even with a drink in hand. Also find social pressure is hard to resist as I'm always trying to fit in and avoid being the odd one out.