Published on 12, July, 2020
People say I am not an alcoholic. I think they must be deluded. I have been known to drink before going to groups etc. don’t get me wrong it helps in the moment. But should I be doing it? Probably not. Should I be lying to people? No. But it feels like I can’t help it. It makes me feel so good in the moment. I am like someone who loves chocolate and can’t stop themselves from eating it. Except I don’t really care for chocolate. Alcohol is my chocolate. It puts my mind at ease and relaxes my body which is usually flooded with stress and discomfort. I’ve yet to find my own alternative to alcohol. I sought help and they told me ‘you’re not an alcoholic’ ‘you just like a drink like everyone else’ and discharged me. I am not dissing them or anything but I don’t know am I an alcoholic? If I am drinking before social events and hiding it does that not automatically make me an alcoholic? Why do people think there is nothing wrong with me when I feel that there is? These are all some of the questions I ask myself. I defos think I am an alcoholic but everyone else thinks I am normal and don’t have a problem. Life is strange. It’s like I am getting the okay to drink from everyone. Can’t be right though I am going back to the doctor! I just have the feeling in my heart that I am not supposed to drink and that I need help. The help I believe I need is anticonvulsants as I do tend to get fits when I am in bed trying to sleep it’s pretty worriesome. But again I am the only person worried about it. Everyone says it’s fine just leave it! But I am not crazy I know I am right in my heart!
Using alcohol as a coping mechanism is common in autistic people. I have always drank at social events just to relieve anxiety and reduce sensory inputs. In the UK drinking culture is normalised so few will tell you that you have a problem.
But I am pretty sure I became an alcoholic in the last few years to cope with stress from work.
I asked for help at the GP a couple of times but didn't get anything. It all seems to be things like group sessions anyway, which I have a natural aversion to. I'm not really sure what they could offer me.
What I find curious is the diagnostic questions that doctors ask are very focused on neurotypical people and I found that many of them didn't apply to me, even if I was drinking tremendous amounts. Based on these questions the fact I drink large amounts every night is fine, because it's not affecting others:
How often during the last year have you failed to do what was normally expected of you because of drinking
Never, because I guess I'm very functional about it, and I'm a natural perfectionist. And there isn't really anything expected of me since I live alone.
How often during the last year have you had a feeling of guilt or remorse after drinking?
Never, because I don't really experience that emotion. I drink because I enjoy it. It makes sense to me as a motivation and no need to feel bad.
How often during the last year have you been unable to remember what happened the night before because you had been drinking?
Never. I don't know if it's because of autism but I don't get blackouts from binge drinking. I always remember it all.
Have you or someone else been injured as a result of your drinking?
No. I'm extremely cautious always. Drinking gets me to a place that's still far below a neurotypical person in terms of confidence and spontaneity. The natural amount of GABA in my brain is so far below neurotypical people, so even with alcohol, I'm still catching up.
And besides, I drink alone in my house, there aren't really many ways anyone is going to get hurt.
Has a relative or friend been concerned about your drinking or suggested you cut down?
No, I drink alone.