Published on 12, July, 2020
My entire life I have been terrified of flying insects (or at least any of the ones with heft and that are noisy: wasps, bees, bluebottles, larger flies), especially if they invade the sanctuary of one's home. Twice in the last month I have again been reminded of how debilitating this phobia can be, and last night (the second of the two instances) for the second time in just a few weeks I slept on the sofa having had my bedroom taken over by a loud and buzzing thing of some kind. I had only opened the window in there by half a milimetre, precisely because of this sort of thing but they somehow squeeze through and aggressively take over anyway. Last time it was definitely a wasp - I found it dead when I dared to open the door again (covered head to foot in protective gear) and did an inch by inch extremely slow and tentative exploration from the door inwards. The relief of the ordeal being over felt just as immense at the age of 46 as it did at 7, 15, 29,38, 41, or any other age I've ever been.
Now, when this occurs, some tiny part of me remains rational - let's say 10% - but it has retreated so far into the background of fight or flight that it has no hope for the duration of the experience of reclaiming the lost 90% and taking the wheel with logically overriding statements like 'You're so much bigger than it is' and 'The worst it can do is lightly touch you or sting you'. I have lost count of the number of times from childhood to adulthood when my dad would roll his eyes at my extreme reaction and say 'what in the name of...?' like this fear was somehow a fresh revelation to him. There might then be follow-up comments ('Big fly.... gonna eat you') which were sarcastic/humorous attempts to make me get hold of a logical perspective in what felt no less frightening to me in that moment than undergoing a mugging or a car crash. I have made such attempts over the years, never ever successfully.
But what I'm wondering now is.. just as the autistic brain and nervous system is more resistant to (or entirely immune to) CBT methods of combatting overwhelm, is that equally true of the individual phobias we have? Post-diagnosis I realise that it's the unpredictabilty (all that chaotic ricocheting and careering from wall to wall, room to room, person to person) and the volume of noise being scarily disproportionate to the size of the insect that is what truly scrambles my logic circuits and amplifies the fear beyond reason. I can't inuitiively track their path maybe as readily or intuitively as a neurotypical person might? Not sure.
Does any of this chime with your own experiences of phobias? Can you anecdotally relate? I know that any tangible stats would be elusive/non-existent, so I suppose 'I know exactly what you mean' is the best I can hope for! Though 'Er, no, you headcase' might be just as enlightening!
Whilst I feel it would be an exaggeration to say I have a phobia of all flying insects, I do find it irritating when they are flying around me, and straight at me, and seem intent on using my body as a convenient place to rest. It's annoying at any time of the day, but particularly when I'm in the process of drifting off to sleep.
Out of all the flying insects I can think of, I do have an intense dislike of wasps, after being stung by one when I was in my twenties. I remember the occasion well. During an unbearably hot summer's evening whilst I had been ironing, a wasp had flown in through an open window. I had paused the ironing and left the room, closing the door behind me. When I returned to the room some time later, there was no sign of the wasp. I thought it had taken the hint and flown off back out of the window, so thought nothing more about it and carried on ironing.
Fast forward to several days later. Within seconds of putting on a clean pair of jeans, I felt a stabbing sensation in my thigh. After promptly removing my jeans, I discovered that pesky wasp hadn't flown out of window, but had decided to take up residence inside the leg of my jeans... Jeans that I had been in the process of ironing when I had initially encountered it.
When I encounter wasps now, I do find it incredibly difficult to at least create the illusion of appearing outwardly calm. I find it requires considerable effort to not react to wasps in a manner that will antagonise them and increase my chances of getting stung.
In answer to your question Shardovan, I do think autism can make phobias seem more insurmountable. Some years back I had CBT (exposure therapy) in an attempt to overcome a couple of phobias. It probably won't surprise you to know that I didn't find it to be as effective as I'd hoped.
That experience of being stung sounds horrible. I remember my dad telling me about a time a wasp got up his shirt sleeve on a bus (when he was in his twenties) and it stung him all the way up from wrist to shoulder. Nightmare fuel!