Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there
My daughter who is 5 has always struggled socially with other children. She has been in school since age 3 but still does not talk to any of the other children. We expect she will soon be on the pathway to diagnosis as teachers agree she has ALN (autism and suspected ADHD - as well as selective mutism). In school she presents as very anxious and does not talk to other children, but does now talk to familiar adults (teaching assistants mostly). She has not even seemed to mind not being able to talk to other children, but is now occasionally saying she doesn't know what to say to them, and that she has no friends, which is upsetting.
She is taken to a few extra curricular activities outside school where she really enjoys herself, seems more at ease (with parent accompaying her) but still only talks to the adults and not with the children at all. I am really starting to worry about her as she seems to have low self esteem, she is also highly sensitive in that she feels rejection strongly. At home she is very controlling and needs constant one to one attention, which is difficult as she has a younger brother. I think she is showing signs of PDA also - she cannot abide being told 'no', and she must be right at all times and cannot be corrected without getting very frustrated.Unfortunately we don't meet up with friends with children very much as we don't live close to them. I sometimes wonder if it might have been easier for her if we had friends that we meet up with frequently, but I find meeting up with friends difficult anyway as my daughter really resists any kind of socialising.I am finding it hard to know how to help has as I am also autistic .I also recognise that I have also suffered with selective mutism myself which I have never had help with.
She doesn't have particularly strong interests but she does love sensory activities and being outdoors.
Not really sure what I'm looking for but any advice or experience particularly with girls with selective mutism, would be great. Has anyone got any experience of therapies with SM? What has helped?
Thank you X
I've had selective or situational mutism since a very early age but, like you, never had any help with it. I was very similar to your daughter at her age. I would not speak to any of the other children and had no interest in them but I would speak to selected adults.
Since my autism diagnosis I've begun to understand it more and realised it's not only down to anxiety. A large part of it is due to auditory processing issues and also problems processing the sensory environment. Most social situations are in groups where there is a lot of noise and often multiple conversations happening at once. Trying to process all that is impossible, it is far too much all at once and my ability to speak will shut down.
One to one in a quiet place is easier, without all the sensory distractions, but there is still the difficulty of not knowing what to say. I've used scripting a lot throughout my life, to plan in advance what to say. That can help in some situations, but it is masking and not really a sustainable strategy. In the past I have done public speaking for work, where I was required to stand up and speak to a room full of people at a conference. I coped with that because it was quiet and I had my script. However with those same people at break time, where there was a lot of noise from multiple conversations I would be completely mute again.
Reducing demands and expectations to speak can help reduce her anxiety over it. I know that at secondary school I would get extremely anxious attending lessons where I knew that the teacher as likely to randomly fire a question at me and expect me to speak.
What doesn't help is being forced into situations where speaking is required, being criticised for being too quiet or being praised for speaking. I hate having attention drawn to it when I do speak and having people praise me and make a huge deal out of it. Whenever that has happened it would increase my anxiety massively and make me much less likely to speak up again.
Focus on the things she enjoys and being outdoors. If she prefers another form of communication then respect her preferences.
To me speaking is overrated and the vast majority of conversations I am subjected to or overhear are totally unnecessary.
Great advice!
Autonomistic said:A large part of it is due to auditory processing issues and also problems processing the sensory environment. Most social situations are in groups where there is a lot of noise and often multiple conversations happening at once. Trying to process all that is impossible, it is far too much all at once and my ability to speak will shut down.
My experience at school was similar which is why I now refer to it as Processing Mutism. A couple of months ago I wrote about my experience for Autistic Village which you may be interested in reading. I have tried to copy and paste the link to the article but for some reason it won’t work.
I remember your article and I related to it so much that I bookmarked it for future reference.
https://autistic-village.com/2024/02/07/my-autistic-experience-of-processing-mutism/
I note that the NHS page on selective mutism does briefly refer to such difficulties. They call it sensory integration dysfunction:
"Some children have trouble processing sensory information such as loud noise and jostling from crowds – a condition known as sensory integration dysfunction.
This can make them "shut down" and be unable to speak when overwhelmed in a busy environment. "
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/selective-mutism/
Here is a link to another one of my blogs, if you are interested:
https://autistic-village.com/2024/01/11/the-intersectionality-of-being-autistic-and-physically-disabled/