Published on 12, July, 2020
I've recently been diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum, described as someone with high functioning autism.
I'm old enough that to me, autism is something very different to the more modern understanding and I'm having a hard time letting go of self hating terms like I'm broken, that I'm a freak, that I'm never going to get better.
I've had mental health issues most of my life and have been on some form of medication for about 60% of my life. Had a traumatic childhood event as well to contend with.
I joined up because I'm hoping to get a clearer understanding of what this means, how to reconcile the difficulties I have at work, particularly with emotional control when I'm questioned or challenged inappropriately.
I am currently seeing a therapist who specialises in treating neurodivergant people as well
Thanks and yes I grew up in the 90's and never had a reason to look at what I *knew* to be true. So even if intellectually I know about autism being a spectrum and a collection of associated traits, emotionally I'm still stuck with that 90's thinking.
It's only because of problems at work have I been forced to get diagnosed and help, so I'm struggling not to keep hating myself for this. Not to mention a huge fear of being seen as a bigot for it.
Hi, I can totally relate. Honestly I could have wrote your post. Only difference is that my therapist isn't very clued up on asd.
I'm struggling with fear. Fear of judgement, ridicule and rejection. And that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. My confidence and self esteem were not great before my diagnosis. They're even lower now.
I am working on this, to try and turn it all around.
I wish you all the best.
The problem of autism being seen as entirely negative is largely historical. Before the mid 1990s the majority of people - mostly children - who were diagnosed were also intellectually disabled to some extent. Therefore, autism and intellectual disability were conflated. Now it is seen that people with average, above average and indeed intellectually gifted people can also show autistic traits to the extent that they too can be diagnosed.
For most autistics with good intellectual abilities their autism brings both negative and positive traits. Finding your own positive autistic traits can be a good way to improve your relationship with your autistic identity. For example, I believe that my autism gives me a heightened eye for detail and unusual abilities in problem solving, both of which were exceptionally useful in my profession.
Welcome to the party. There is nothing wrong with you. I am also older and lived with the stigma. If you can like to read there a plenty of new books you can read to get a grip on it all and feel more yourself and happy for it. To start I would read "NeuroTribes". If you are more youtuber there are lots of videos there too. It's a great opportunity to self discovery! You can be your own special interest for a awhile!