Published on 12, July, 2020
This is just me thinking cause I'm too lazy to go get my journal to think there. Feel free to ignore. Might not even post it I guess.
I just don't like myself much right now, I'm nothing at everything. I think I've just been getting more boring and bland day by day because I'm getting more scared specially of tiredness and estrangement, and because some hopeless stuff never end, so I try distracting myself but the truth is that some stuff really suck around here and there's nothing I can do to change them, and if there's something that I can atleast change about myself, I either get stuck again and again or it's something, some solution I can't see yet or will never see on my own...but I'm always alone, so...
I don't know, sometimes I wish I hadn't learnt about autism and was more hardworking even if it lead to burn outs cause maybe some solution was there...I don't know, maybe that's just me hating myself right now so much that I wish something like burn out to hurt me.
Burn out's are horrible, I'm far to familiar with them, I dont' know about you, but they make me feel like I "ought" to be doing more? Too tired to do anything but well enough to be bored, I have fybromyalgia too so I get it quite a lot. I think the word "ought" should be removed from the English language, who decides what one ought to be able to do, its such a disabling word, along with should. I think you and all of us should work smart rather than hard, I try and have a range of things I can do depending on mood and energy and don't beat myself up about not doing much.
I tend to be either really good at things or stunningly crap, I rarely seem to be anywhere in the middle and just OK, are there any crafting groups or anything near you? I find crafts quite good because once you've learnt the basics you can do them anywhere, there are so many crafts involving so many different materials, wool, wood, paint, paper and card, fabrics the lot. Even making something small can seem such an achievement or adding a few pieces to a bigger project like a quilt.
You're so right, I hate words like 'should' too, but struggle with not using it for myself.
I suck bad at crafts though lol, my craft projects at school were always the worst too. Crafts along with cooking and sometimes computers are my weaknesses.
I've been always quite familiar with creative stuff though, I've tried writing, drawing, playing guitar, right now I've given up on all of them though, less on writing but it's not the same anymore. Yes having projects can feel nice but I'm scared it might have become too old for me, I think I'm tired of living for my own, I don't know, like I'm kinda writing something right now but I could never share it cause it's about something taboo here where I live.
I’m really sorry to hear you are having a hard time Cosmo. I’m struggling today and yet yesterday I told myself that I had a perfect day. Best bit about it I worked all weekend and didn’t do anything special. I can only think that because my family were calm and harmonious that I feed on their energy and positivity. Sadly it’s gone again today. I hope you feel a little better soon.
Cosmo said:I hope you feel better too and thanks for listening! <3
Anytime