Published on 12, July, 2020
TW FOR MENTIONS OF TRAUMA FLASHBACKS - NOTHING GRAPHIC THOUGH
Hi there!! I'm an 18 year old autistic girl who was diagnosed last year and I feel like since my diagnosis, I just seem to be struggling a lot more. I guess in part that is due to starting to unmask in public as well as starting university which was a massive change and something I found very difficult to settle in to. However, I've noticed that I've also been struggling a lot more mentally recently too.
All of a sudden, I've been getting these kind of flashbacks to random events of bullying and just general social isolation that happened to me as a young autistic kid. Whilst I was in school, I did struggle with my mental health but I got therapy through my school counsellor and I genuinely thought everything was in the past. But recently I've just been getting flashbacks to these events and they make me really upset. A lot of the time it's not even specific instances of anything happening, but it's like all the emotions I felt in those moments just come back and it's not very nice and I feel like I just have to run away somewhere and cry.
It's got to the point now though where certain things just set me off. Like last week I needed the bathroom and went into a university building to go but unfortunately, it was closed. The receptionist at the front desk told me so and I just burst out crying in front of her and all these weird emotions just came back to me. When I go to parties with friends I often feel pressure to drink because I get memories of being left out and I worry that I'm becoming their least favourite friend. I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells because being the least favourite of my uni friends feels like the worst thing that could ever happen. I keep trying to avoid what happened as a kid happening to me again.
I tried looking for results about what's been happening in my brain online and it comes up with stuff about PTSD. But I keep trying to tell myself I clearly don't have it because many PTSD symptoms present as autism and vice versa. So now I''m confused; what is the difference between the two in presentation and also how do I know if I have both?? Or am I just being a dramatic teenage girl again? Furthermore, if anyone has experienced anything similar, I'd love to hear your experience and maybe what you do to avoid getting triggered?
I had a PTSD diagnosis long before I had an ASD one, I don't think it's mutually exclusive, you can have both conditions. I suffered flashbacks and still do sometimes. Maybe going to uni and the freedom it brings and the difference to school and college is bringing the memories back? Your uni should have counsellors, I'd go back and have more counselling about why these fears are resurfacing now and how other fears are adding to the existing ones. I understand the pressure to drink more than you want, I think lots of people feel this, societies dominant drug is alcohol and not drinking or only drinking moderately is often seen as somehow wrong. I don't drink alcohol at all, I used to and I used to love my wine and had a collection of single malt whiskies, when I went through menopause alcohol started making me throw up and gave me monsterous hot flushes, something many other women get. It has impacted on my social life, there seems to be a presumption that if you don't drink you must be boring and "holier than thou", which isn't tue at all, but I do find being a a room full of drunk people boring.
Are you more likely to get triggered around the time of your period? I found that my moods, when and how severely I was triggered went along with my hormones, maybe this is something you could explore by keeping a diary for a couple of months?