Published on 12, July, 2020
TW FOR MENTIONS OF TRAUMA FLASHBACKS - NOTHING GRAPHIC THOUGH
Hi there!! I'm an 18 year old autistic girl who was diagnosed last year and I feel like since my diagnosis, I just seem to be struggling a lot more. I guess in part that is due to starting to unmask in public as well as starting university which was a massive change and something I found very difficult to settle in to. However, I've noticed that I've also been struggling a lot more mentally recently too.
All of a sudden, I've been getting these kind of flashbacks to random events of bullying and just general social isolation that happened to me as a young autistic kid. Whilst I was in school, I did struggle with my mental health but I got therapy through my school counsellor and I genuinely thought everything was in the past. But recently I've just been getting flashbacks to these events and they make me really upset. A lot of the time it's not even specific instances of anything happening, but it's like all the emotions I felt in those moments just come back and it's not very nice and I feel like I just have to run away somewhere and cry.
It's got to the point now though where certain things just set me off. Like last week I needed the bathroom and went into a university building to go but unfortunately, it was closed. The receptionist at the front desk told me so and I just burst out crying in front of her and all these weird emotions just came back to me. When I go to parties with friends I often feel pressure to drink because I get memories of being left out and I worry that I'm becoming their least favourite friend. I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells because being the least favourite of my uni friends feels like the worst thing that could ever happen. I keep trying to avoid what happened as a kid happening to me again.
I tried looking for results about what's been happening in my brain online and it comes up with stuff about PTSD. But I keep trying to tell myself I clearly don't have it because many PTSD symptoms present as autism and vice versa. So now I''m confused; what is the difference between the two in presentation and also how do I know if I have both?? Or am I just being a dramatic teenage girl again? Furthermore, if anyone has experienced anything similar, I'd love to hear your experience and maybe what you do to avoid getting triggered?
I relate to this. I'm a bit older than you (and a guy) but I do also have the tendency to downplay my symptoms.
Unfortunately I don't really have many tips, but keeping myself busy is one thing that stops me from going back there. Being involved in something that I'm engrossed in.
I'd like to think your friends would reassure you if you did express to them that you were worried they didn't like you, and try to understand why you feel that way in the first place.
It's complicated but I hope with a bit of time and support, you find the answers you're looking for.