Struggling in my marriage

Hello - I've been married for a couple of years and we were dating for 6 before that but right now I'm really struggling.

My spouse identifies as being autistic although he has not had a diagnosis. He's late fifties and has only acknowledged this in the last few years, but he has chronicled a lifetime of struggles and it does all seem to point in the direction (although I'm no expert.)

I've tried really hard to research, learn and understand and on the whole I think I have done well as it is a journey for me too.

But currently I think he's depressed. He said he feels depressed. Mainly due to hating his job which I do understand and I've suggested he look for another as both of our lives are not suffering as a result of his unhappiness, but he literally said that he cannot be bothered. He said that there's a lot of noise in his head. Literal (we have a lot of road noise outside) and metaphorical.

But he is just shutting me out completely. He sits in silence or does his thing for hours, and when I try to reach out nothing comes back in my direction at all. When I try to have an honest, serious conversation he just walks off angrily and says he doesn't want to talk about it. But I'm deeply, deeply unhappy and feeling very lonely and at this rate, wondering whether the marriage can survive.

This is compounded by us living and working overseas currently, so no one for me to talk with who I trust and I don't want to worry people back home.

I love him very much and I have tried very hard to learn about the differences between us, but everything has been ramped up a lot with no sign of a way forward or even an effort to find a way forward. Honestly, I feel very lonely.

Parents
  • this is not advice and it will be very 'out there' but do you think maybe 'learning' about his condition has been bad for you? I mean you were together for a few years before marrying and married for a few years so obviously there is something there. perhaps rather than accepting him you are now trying to 'understand' him and that is perhaps intrusive? like he may think you're trying to analyse him as opposed to being there for him?

    Random thought.

    As for depression yes it sucks the life out of all around. if he is at the point he cannot be bothered to look for a new job when he hates his current one, your at the talking to a Dr point

Reply
  • this is not advice and it will be very 'out there' but do you think maybe 'learning' about his condition has been bad for you? I mean you were together for a few years before marrying and married for a few years so obviously there is something there. perhaps rather than accepting him you are now trying to 'understand' him and that is perhaps intrusive? like he may think you're trying to analyse him as opposed to being there for him?

    Random thought.

    As for depression yes it sucks the life out of all around. if he is at the point he cannot be bothered to look for a new job when he hates his current one, your at the talking to a Dr point

Children
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