Published on 12, July, 2020
I never feel like I quite belong anywhere, including my college. I'm so much more serious than others, even the teachers. Teachers give little guidance and are not knowledgeable, they usually make us give presentations and do research on our own on the internet. Today I asked one if they had recommendations about resources on the internet I could start my researching/googling from, they didn't. My college mates also suck, I tend to want to not think about how much I don't like them but it's true, they suck. They rarely have any passion for what they study, just want to get the bare minimum grade to pass the semester. I keep feeling guilty for not finding anyone likable, tell myself that there's gotta be something there that'll change my mind, but I always get disappointed, then start feeling more guilty.
Anyway, this was supposed to be more about how I'm tired of self learning. I'm just so exhausted from always being the only one who's responsible for my own motivation, and that I always have to guide myself on my own, and that my whole life is spent on the internet because of how it's really the only good source in this godforsaken place. I wish I wasn't so alone and that others were more serious.
Just tired of loneliness in general, keep feeling guilty, like it's my own doing that has made me isolated and estranged. I also have a lot of guilt for being culturally different from the people in my country, I can't help it, I prefer a more American culture, but I also feel guilty.
And if it helps, I'm studying Architecture (something which you need to be familiar with your own culture in, which kinda sucks for me).
Also, no interesting architecture where I live, it sucks so much.
Sorry to be blunt, but your post is a bit stuck up your own backside. Everything sucks, does it? Seems like you've hit peak angst and you sound like a misanthropic character from a Dostoevsky or Sartre novel.
Iain's response below is brilliant so I suggest you pay attention to that. I'll try to add something more.
If you're behaving in this way towards your peers, they're not going to think highly of you. Have you actually tried speaking to them properly and getting to know them? Or are you just making surface level judgements of these people?
The other thing is you're studying architecture. That's a privileged position to be in these days given how expensive degrees are, so don't waste it with a constant wave of negativity. If the architecture where you are sucks, so what? I grew up in a total dive of a Lancashire region, that didn't hold back my creative interests or eagerness to learn about the world.
The onus is on you to make the most of this situation. You can spend the next few years complaining about everything if you want, or how about you embrace the situation?
Focus on your health alongside your studies, for a start, eat healthily and get regular exercise. Speak to your GP, too, and see what they recommend. As just wallowing around feeling sorry for yourself won't achieve anything.
I don't have a negative opinion of people, I don't think they're lower than me, I don't think they're less intelligent or anything, I just know they don't care much. This is something they express themselves, not my opinion. This is not judgement. I don't assume they're not passionate or they don't care, they've told me themselves. Whenever I mention a basic architecture principal like sustainability which they've forgotten to take into account they say things like : 'who cares?' or 'I just wanna get a good grade'. Also, they always wanna cancel classes...You would be absolutely right though if I was just making assumptions, that would be a *** move.
And about my degree, it's actually not that good where I live. it's inexpensive and easy to get into. So, there's actually some shame when I tell people where I study.
I didn't think I was feeling sorry for myself that much, just was hoping people had tips about self learning, but I guess it wasn't clear, English not being my mother tongue might have played a role.