Published on 12, July, 2020
My son left uni with a masters in physics but can’t get a job. His dad died during his time there so I am the only parent and he lives at home with me and his 22 yr old brother. He stays in his room all day with the curtains shut . He accepts he is different but doesn’t not want to be diagnosed , he refuses to accept interventions to help his mental health. He went to see a therapist who specialises in working with clients with autism. He refused to go back despite her identifying areas to help him. He gets so angry so quickly, my youngest son wanted to move out because he can’t live with the fear of his anger! If I approach him about anything he gets upset and angry . I want to help him , not alienate him. It’s been over 6 months since I have tried to get him to help himself and now I need to try again but don’t know what to do? What area to discuss first ?
I also agree with a tough love approach. I was your son at 17. I was probably a touch worse. I had already fallen off the rails, was in and out of the court system, was getting in trouble pretty much constantly. if you'd asked me why, I couldn't have told you, I didn't know myself. My parents kicked me out and off i went to live on my own. It was really hard for the first few years. My grandparents softened it a little and my parents did try and help me, but there was a lot hurt feelings and I admittedly cut off all contact for a few years, but a lot of my friends were family friends, so my parents still got updates.
Eventually everything clicked. When i was funnily enough about 25. One day i was sat in the probation office talking to my probation officer and he said to me "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?", so I went home and asked myself that question and as usual I answered it with "I don't know" and i decided from that point to be a better person. I reestablished contact with my parents, went to college, went to university, started working and have never looked back. But I needed that initial push. I had to fail a lot to reach the point of of succeeding. I also wasn't diagnosed until a couple of years ago and that is probably a chunk of the problems I had when younger, but having an ASD diagnosis in the 80s or 90s wasn't such a good thing. I realise my parents wouldn't have wanted me diagnosed back then for that reason.
If you let your son carry on like he is, you aren't doing him any favours. He needs to sort his act out now. If not his future is pretty bleak and will possibly include some level of instituionalisation. The fact his brother is pretty much scared of him is another reason you need to act.
I agree, he can’t go on like this, he needs to be made to take responsibility for his actions, for his own good, even if this means having him sectioned - it’s such a pity that healthcare professionals these days don’t see their job as a vocation and not just a job, because I see this as a moral issue - as an older gay man and as a traditional Irish Catholic myself, I really believe that tough action has to be taken in this situation