Published on 12, July, 2020
I get a lot of anxiety because of dust, germs + cleaning all the time. I'm a bit of a clean freak but then vice versa I rarely clean because of the anxiety it's a vicious cycle and I feel trapped with it now + it's really bringing me down and I feel it's making my autoimmune problems worse because of the dust and bacteria. I have a chronic sore throat and I'm sure it's because of this.
I live with my parents, dad is always working and my mum has a brain tumour - it's benign but it is growing steadily and has started to impact her sight so she'll likely have it operated this year so I want to keep the house clean + neat and tidy for her and I feel really bad and lazy that it's currently in a really bad place. Sometimes I feel like the worst daughter in the world - I want to help - the intent is there but I'm unable to bring myself to do it because of my anxiety. I worry about stirring up the dust + I don't like how it never looks clean after.
Reading online I've read that some people use car microfiber mittens for dusting rather than cloths - apparently this works really well so I am interested in using one, just to see how good it is - but getting over the initial anxiety is the hard part. It's extra hard now because my mums health is bad and a massive worry but I'm hoping she will make a full recovery.
It feels like everything is happening all at once, like the year my dad got diagnosed with diabetes and my sister died. I'm coping ok at the moment - not on any medication - no longer suffering from mental health - but things are hard and I'm holding on to hope it will all be ok again, eventually.
I also live at home but just with my mum and recently we moved house and she’s working a crazy busy job. I always feel like I’m so lazy and a bad daughter because she works the whole day and i just do uni and work part time and dealing with pretty bad anxiety atm.
But someone did tell me that the challenges you and I face are not by choice. If we didn’t feel anxious etc then we probably would do more. Also, your clear desire to want to help is a reflection of your kind heart. It’s difficult recognizing our abilities, especially when we feel limited, but as Sparkly said, your parents are most likely very grateful for what you can do and appreciate it. Keep going, you got this!