Published on 12, July, 2020
Has anybody else ever felt this way? All my life, ever since I can remember, I have felt like there was something missing in me. People around me seemed to connect/meet each other and form friendships so quickly and easily, and despite me wanting that more than ANYTHING in the world, it was extremely difficult. I still don't quite know how to describe it, but it's almost like this invisible wall... This vague barrier prevents you from ever feeling 'the spark' when you strike up a conversation with someone. I have watched people meeting each other for the first time in almost every social situation, and see how their faces light up and they seem to flow naturally in a conversation with one another like they'd known each other for years. And yet, I have never had that experience. People's faces don't light up when they talk with me. The most I get is an unimpressed half-smile, a blank stare, or sometimes just ignored :( I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I am a kind person! I have made extra sure that I don't come off as rude or selfish, and I engage in constant self-reflection and internal growth to make sure I'm not getting entitled or pushy (which I have never felt). I start off all my conversations with a smile and friendly greeting, and I am sincere every single time I say "pleased to meet you", because I am! I am, in a sad irony, a very sociable person. I thrive when I'm around my family, and some of my acquaintances even! I love getting to know people! But it just seems like no one is interested in getting to know me. I know that's not true, that logically there must be people out there who I would connect with... But after 20 years of failing over and over again to find those people, it gets pretty defeating I don't know how to effectively communicate this to my neurotypical parents and therapist, they can't understand this 'wall' so to speak. Does anyone out here know what I am talking about?
If you want their faces to light up and for the conversation to have "the spark," you have to have warm facial expressions and open gestures and body language. In general, if you can freely laugh without feeling the need to hold it back, that's a good sign, because being able to freely laugh loosens the muscles that creates stiff body language, and if you're too ridged that can act as a barrier. Also, genuine laughter is not easy to pull off, and more often than not, people have a nervous laughter instead, which indicates they are uncomfortable and nervous, and that can create a barrier and some awkwardness. When you genuinely laugh, your cheeks push up and make your eyes more squinted and crescent shaped, and if you want to smile and give off a warmer appearance, you smile while having these crescent shaped eyes, which is "smiling with your eyes," and even with a mask covering the mouth, you can still tell that a person is smiling or laughing with these kinds of eyes showing. Varying your vocal pitch to be more lively helps as well.
Being nice and polite is good and all, but concentrating on not appearing arrogant, rude, or selfish, could be creating a barrier between you and other people, because you're restricting yourself from fully expressing yourself, and only trying to show what you want others to see. And also, people who appear too nice, too good, too polite, can paradoxically appear disingenuous to others, as if they are being fake, which raises the defense barriers some people have. Like when people in cults that smile but they do not actually seem happy. Some people might also feel like you're too nice and polite of a person to hang out with, considering that some people mock and tease each other in their friend groups for fun, but they don't mean anything mean by it. There are a lot of people who are selfish, considering the average score for healthy narcissism is about 15, a score of below 5 is low, and a score of above 21 would likely mean that person is a narcissist. And a majority of the population likely has a healthy amount of narcissism, so even if you become a bit more selfish to take care of your needs in life, I don't think you'll become be type of person who would suddenly become rude and arrogant. So I don't think you should be too worried about coming across like that. I think you should integrate, or at least find a way to accept, that you are allowed to be rude in certain instances, that you are allowed to take pride in your accomplishments and share the joy with others, and that you're allowed to be selfish about certain things that mean a lot to you, or as a form of self care.
Hullabaloo said:If you want their faces to light up and for the conversation to have "the spark," you have to have warm facial expressions and open gestures and body language. In general, if you can freely laugh without feeling the need to hold it back, that's a good sign, because being able to freely laugh loosens the muscles that creates stiff body language, and if you're too ridged that can act as a barrier.
Hullabaloo said:Varying your vocal pitch to be more lively helps as well.
That's all very good in theory but I'm struggling to see how the average autistic person can achieve that.
Autists are known for having a flat affect and often a monotone voice too. Having the wrong expression or tone of voice for the situation is something autists are often accused of. I believe there are questions about that in the diagnostic assessments.
It may be partly due to alexithymia or motor control issues due to dyspraxia. Appearing rigid is common too, possibly due to anxiety. However I don't think any of this is due to deliberately holding back.
I can't speak for everyone but I know personally both facial expressions and tone of voice are not something I have any conscious awareness of or much control over.
https://www.thearticulateautistic.com/we-dont-know-what-our-faces-are-doing/
If I were to consciously try and think about what my face or voice might be doing that would be masking, take a huge amount of energy and take the focus away from trying to speak or listen. Plus masking isn't going to achieve the sort or natural spark or free laugh that you describe. That is only going to happen if we genuinely connect with someone.
I used to not have any facial expressions at all, and no matter if I was happy, sad, or angry, my face would be a plain unexpressionless face . And my voice used to be monotoned and drone on and on and on that i'll put people to sleep in 20 minutes. I had no eye contact. And when people called my name I used to not respond. I used to have anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I didn't know I had to explain any of this, but I guess I have to go through explaining how autistic I am to you.
I brought up the facial expressions of smiling and laughing, because those two expressions that are easiest to form connections with others. I used to sketch a lot of faces, to the point that I can even draw and paint realistic faces. I studied characters a lot. But when I grew older, I took those drawing abilities and studied animation in college, and animation was surprisingly all about facial expressions, voices, and body language, things autistics usually struggle with... which now that I think about it, explains why I struggled so hard in animation. I never thought about that until now.
And yes, I've made mistakes when I was socializing with others. I had crippling amounts of anxiety. I went through humiliation. I got drained easily from others. It's not easy. Even the doctor's office can be too loud with bright lights that overstimulate all my senses. I'm not perfect at socializing. But I learned how to better socialize with others, despite how hard it was sometimes.
But having social skills has benefitted my life. It's gotten me through college, it's gotten me jobs, and it's gotten me promotions. And I was the type of person who never thought that I would amount to anything in this world. So I just wanted to share what knowledge I have to help. I mean if it wasn't helpful to you, then that's fine, but I hope it'll be helpful up someone else.
And I don't think it's out of the range of possibility for an autistic person to learn how to smile in a warm way, because I do it in order to connect better with people, and they do receive it in a positive way. But if I ever feel burned out, there is no way in hell I am going to be smiling at anyone though. I'd just go and sit in a quiet room to calm down. But also, every autistic person has a different level of needs. If they find smiling at someone too difficult, they don't have to do it.