Published on 12, July, 2020
Has anybody else ever felt this way? All my life, ever since I can remember, I have felt like there was something missing in me. People around me seemed to connect/meet each other and form friendships so quickly and easily, and despite me wanting that more than ANYTHING in the world, it was extremely difficult. I still don't quite know how to describe it, but it's almost like this invisible wall... This vague barrier prevents you from ever feeling 'the spark' when you strike up a conversation with someone. I have watched people meeting each other for the first time in almost every social situation, and see how their faces light up and they seem to flow naturally in a conversation with one another like they'd known each other for years. And yet, I have never had that experience. People's faces don't light up when they talk with me. The most I get is an unimpressed half-smile, a blank stare, or sometimes just ignored :( I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I am a kind person! I have made extra sure that I don't come off as rude or selfish, and I engage in constant self-reflection and internal growth to make sure I'm not getting entitled or pushy (which I have never felt). I start off all my conversations with a smile and friendly greeting, and I am sincere every single time I say "pleased to meet you", because I am! I am, in a sad irony, a very sociable person. I thrive when I'm around my family, and some of my acquaintances even! I love getting to know people! But it just seems like no one is interested in getting to know me. I know that's not true, that logically there must be people out there who I would connect with... But after 20 years of failing over and over again to find those people, it gets pretty defeating I don't know how to effectively communicate this to my neurotypical parents and therapist, they can't understand this 'wall' so to speak. Does anyone out here know what I am talking about?
There is a much quoted theory that 93% of communication is via body language and tone of voice, with only 7% by what we actually say. That's probably somewhat exaggerated but it demonstrates the point that so much of communication happens via methods that autistic people so often have difficulties with.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-words/201109/is-nonverbal-communication-a-numbers-game
As explained in my post above, autists tend not to have much awareness of or control over facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc. Eye contact is a huge part too, something which so many of us find incredibly difficult or even painful.
We can try to observe others or learn the theory and mask. Much of what we do already will be some sort of subconscious masking. However non autistic people can probably pick up that there is something different that doesn't seem quite right or genuine. The effects of masking are bad for us and I don't think that is the answer.
Personally I have never managed to break down that invisible wall to form genuine connections. For years I believed that I just hadn't met my type of people yet and that they must be out there somewhere. However eventually I stopped trying and accepted that I'm just not a sociable person.
I have spent time observing others and how they seem to be able to connect so easily. At the start their communication seems somewhat stilted and awkward, not unlike my attempts at conversation. However that soon disappears and they progress to what I would describe as 'natural conversation' with much laughter. At that point I am lost and out of my depth. My scripts have been exhausted and I have nothing left to contribute. Their natural conversations move at a pace that I can't keep up with, due to my auditory processing difficulties.
The double empathy problem may play a part and communication between autistic people is possibly more likely to result in friendship. Perhaps the answer is to facilitate more places that autistic people can meet up with each other without any pressure or expectation to mask. Reading these forums suggests that in person groups for autistic adults are few and far between and most of us only connect with other autistic adults online.