Published on 12, July, 2020
Has anybody else ever felt this way? All my life, ever since I can remember, I have felt like there was something missing in me. People around me seemed to connect/meet each other and form friendships so quickly and easily, and despite me wanting that more than ANYTHING in the world, it was extremely difficult. I still don't quite know how to describe it, but it's almost like this invisible wall... This vague barrier prevents you from ever feeling 'the spark' when you strike up a conversation with someone. I have watched people meeting each other for the first time in almost every social situation, and see how their faces light up and they seem to flow naturally in a conversation with one another like they'd known each other for years. And yet, I have never had that experience. People's faces don't light up when they talk with me. The most I get is an unimpressed half-smile, a blank stare, or sometimes just ignored :( I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I am a kind person! I have made extra sure that I don't come off as rude or selfish, and I engage in constant self-reflection and internal growth to make sure I'm not getting entitled or pushy (which I have never felt). I start off all my conversations with a smile and friendly greeting, and I am sincere every single time I say "pleased to meet you", because I am! I am, in a sad irony, a very sociable person. I thrive when I'm around my family, and some of my acquaintances even! I love getting to know people! But it just seems like no one is interested in getting to know me. I know that's not true, that logically there must be people out there who I would connect with... But after 20 years of failing over and over again to find those people, it gets pretty defeating I don't know how to effectively communicate this to my neurotypical parents and therapist, they can't understand this 'wall' so to speak. Does anyone out here know what I am talking about?
I've never had a real friend. I don't understand how to make a connection with another person.
I sometimes don't even feel like the main character in my own life. I'm like an ancillary character in other people's lives. It doesn't really matter whether I'm there or not, because I can't contribute to a friendship. If there is a group of people having a conversation or a party, it would generally be no different whether I was there or not, because I don't know what to say or how to get involved. So I've always just watched everyone else live their lives from the outside and then wondered how I can be part of it.
I don't know how to describe it, but it's like I'm not a real person. Do I even exist? When I was about 6 or 7, I thought I was an alien and I convinced myself that I had been abandoned on earth and my "parents" were keeping it a secret from me because it was the only way I could explain why I was different and why I couldn't connect with anyone. I thought I had to appear as normal as possible so I don't get found out.