Published on 12, July, 2020
Has anybody else ever felt this way? All my life, ever since I can remember, I have felt like there was something missing in me. People around me seemed to connect/meet each other and form friendships so quickly and easily, and despite me wanting that more than ANYTHING in the world, it was extremely difficult. I still don't quite know how to describe it, but it's almost like this invisible wall... This vague barrier prevents you from ever feeling 'the spark' when you strike up a conversation with someone. I have watched people meeting each other for the first time in almost every social situation, and see how their faces light up and they seem to flow naturally in a conversation with one another like they'd known each other for years. And yet, I have never had that experience. People's faces don't light up when they talk with me. The most I get is an unimpressed half-smile, a blank stare, or sometimes just ignored :( I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I am a kind person! I have made extra sure that I don't come off as rude or selfish, and I engage in constant self-reflection and internal growth to make sure I'm not getting entitled or pushy (which I have never felt). I start off all my conversations with a smile and friendly greeting, and I am sincere every single time I say "pleased to meet you", because I am! I am, in a sad irony, a very sociable person. I thrive when I'm around my family, and some of my acquaintances even! I love getting to know people! But it just seems like no one is interested in getting to know me. I know that's not true, that logically there must be people out there who I would connect with... But after 20 years of failing over and over again to find those people, it gets pretty defeating I don't know how to effectively communicate this to my neurotypical parents and therapist, they can't understand this 'wall' so to speak. Does anyone out here know what I am talking about?
Is it that something is missing, or just that it is well hidden and other people find it hard to locate? I have difficulty trusting people and so am reticent about telling them anything about myself (except on this forum, where the relative anonymity frees me somewhat). It is essentially about trying to protect myself from adverse judgements (the less information that people have about me reduces the chances of them using it to hurt me!). This is exacerbated by people having difficultly reading my emotions, because I try not to give anything away. Consequently, others probably find it difficult to connect with me. I think I am acting normally, and like you always endeavour to be polite and kind, but other people perceive it as being standoffish and distant. Because I do not offer up as much of myself as people expect, they tend to reciprocate and the gap between us widens rather than narrows. People take their social cues from each other, meaning my closed nature leads to them putting up the barriers as well. So I am trying to be a bit braver, opening myself up a little more, but definitely a work in progress!